A Most Unlikely Assassin
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: Would you believe I never killed anyone in my life? It sounds strange, I know. Downright odd really. Yet time warps all things after death, legends included. Now I'm trapped in a war I want nothing to do with, stuck in the worst Class possible, and partnered with a Master who may or may not kill me before it ends. A Most Unlikely Assassin indeed! Why me! Fate Zero. Narutoxharem!
1. Unlikely Assassin

**A/N: STOP!  
**

 **HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!**

 **I'm sure you're all familiar with Not My Grail, AKA a godly Naruto's shenanigans in the Fate Zero Universe.**

 **This is a SEPARATE entry from that and far more serious than its predecessor. People will die. Hearts will breaks. Dreams will be shattered. There. You've been warned. Characters will struggle here, sometimes falter, and even fail. They will fight. They will suffer. Some will triumph. Others will die. There may also be a MINOR change to the Servant roster as a whole beyond that of Naruto. Also, I'm starting to notice a pattern when it comes to titles here...**

 **A Most Unlikely Berserker.**

 **A Most Unlikely Assassin.**

 **Maybe I should just make this a series of this...though it really isn't.**

 **And before anyone asks, I've got an actual TEAM helping me now, so expect the updates to flow like wine.**

 **Look forward to it~!**

 _"I know what it feels like to be hollow on the inside, Master. Empty. I was like that once."_

 _...tch. Know your place, Servant."_

 _"No. I'm going to help you."_

 _"You can't. No one can."_

 _"Never say never~!"_

~?

 **A Most Unlikely Assassin**

 _Would you believe I never killed anyone?_

 _It sounds strange, I know._

 _Downright odd really._

 _In my entire career as a shinobi, I never killed someone. I came close several times of course, but at the end of the day I never killed a living being. Nagato's corpses and a few stray white Zetsu perhaps, but can those amalgamations truly be called living? No, my point stands. I never killed. Certainly not in cold blood as some would have you believe. Those I defeated inevitably met their end at the hands of others, never mine. Even my greatest enemy and her twisted progeny were sealed, rather than slain._

 _Yet time warps all things, legends included._

 _In the eyes of the people, what I'd done was deemed impossible._

 _How can a ninja not kill, they wondered? Surely he must be lying. Trying to deceive us._

 _Thus the man who never took a life became the man who took **every** life. He who saved his friends without bloodshed became the bane of their enemies, his kills so precise that not a shred of proof remained. A creature of great and terrible speed, with a silver tongue. A man capable of creating an army in an instant. Of inexhaustible strength and power; capable of lending that very power to others with merely a touch. No one understood that I hadn't won any of my battles alone, that I'd only bested Kaguya with the help of my friends. I don't think they wanted to._

 _Ah, but the best lies always hold a kernel of truth, do they not?_

 _Their beliefs could not be swayed, even by the truth itself. Men fear what they do not understand. They hate what they cannot conquer. They reject that which they do not know, cannot control. Why? Why do we hate that which we do not understand?_

 _At the end of it all, I-my legacy-fell not to an enemy, but willful ignorance from beyond the grave; m_ _y very existence twisted by time and rumor until one could barely recognize it. All that remained of the "truth" was my name and the title I'd fought so hard to claim. Uzumaki Naruto. Seventh Hokage. Husband, father, friend to many. A simple man who should've died a simple death, yet was denied even that. A man who finally fell on some nameless battlefield, his body riddled with wounds, fighting in a war he had no stake in._

 _I am not an assassin._

 _I will never kill without recourse._

 _I will help whomever I can, whenever I can._

 _In hindsight it seems a small, petty thing to inflict upon a man's legacy; but what is a man but a filthy bag of secrets?_

 _Lies are sweet, deception all too easy to spread._

 _We sacrifice, we sweat, we bleed and we CRY and for what? Even when our names are carved into legend, those legends are often dictated by the very people we sought to protect. Mine_ _began to warp from the moment of my death onward; when those who no longer remembered the truth remained, it fractured further still._ _I wasn't so naive to believe that I could save everyone, but I'd protect those I could. Given another chance, I still would. Perhaps that led to my ultimate downfall._

 _Even so, I wouldn't change a thing._

 _Hmm?_

 _A wish, you say?_

 _If I had one it would be..._

 _...yes. It would be that, wouldn't it?_

 _I want to remove this stain from my name._

* * *

 _(...Centuries Later...)_

* * *

 _This was not Hassan of the Hundred Faces._

Kirei Kotomine regarded the strange being before him and struggled to understand where he'd gone wrong.

It didn't make any sense; he'd conducted this ritual on the Tohsaka estate for this very purpose. The Summoning Circle was perfectly placed, its measurements precise. Tokiomi had been stringent in its construction as well as his instruction, then left him to it. Summoning his Servant so soon before the war would prove taxing without the support of the Grail, but it was doable. Conducting said ritual at night ensured the utmost secrecy and ensured that the bounded fields wouldn't be breached. In that at least, he'd succeeded...

...and yet in the same vein, failed miserably.

Clearly something had gone amiss.

A rough snarl answered him.

 _"Are you kidding me?"_

But what, then?

Standing amidst the fading fog, a humanoid figure resolved into being.

The lack of a mask or any sort of presence proved his point tenfold; he had blundered.

Surely the being before him couldn't hardly qualify as the legendary Assassin he'd sought. Save for the tattered brown cloak sheathing his body and a battered black cloth wrapped around his head, he didn't resemble that deadly class in any way, shape, or form. One might even call him painfully green by comparison. All bright blue eyes and jagged blond hair, he was alarmingly young. His head cocked, considering his surroundings, drifting down to his form with almost childlike curiosity. What they found there must've displeased him; because those eyes narrowed to vicious sapphire slits.

He absolutely hissed.

"Ugh, why was I summoned as an Assassin?!" the young man turned his head and spat upon the ground. "This is literally the _worst_ class for me!" exasperated, he flung his arms out to his sides-providing a brief glimpse of the lethal armaments bristling beneath-cast his head back, and uttered a vicious curse to the gods. "Kami damnit! Seriously, Grail?! SERIOUSLY?! Rider, Caster, Berserker...literally _any_ other class would have suited me just fine! Hell, I would've settled for Archer this time around and I _suck_ at that! Gimme a do-over?"

His ranting finally reactivated Kirei and-somewhat reluctantly for a strange part of him found the young man's anger amusing-he cleared his throat.

"Who...are you?"

The blond started violently.

"Of course, there's someone here...

Those eerie orbs fixated upon him with a hint of scorn, whiskered cheeks dimpling in a rare scowl.

"Uzumaki Naruto." again, that dismissive look. "Assassin...and not happy about it. You _are_ my Master, right? I don't see anyone else here." Wide eyes drifted to the cross dangling from his chest on a thin leather cord. "A priest? Really? Please say you aren't."

Kirei had nothing to gain from lying to him and thus he did not.

"I am."

Assassin didn't offer further argument; instead he stood stock still, considering the words.

Blue eyes drifted shut in silent contemplation, ignoring his Master utterly.

In his heart of hearts, Kotomine couldn't understand him.

No, rather he lacked the capacity to do so. For a man devoid of traditional empathy, it was impossible to understand why the blond was angry with him. He'd been summoned. His task was to secure the grail, if not for his own sake, then out of obligation for their contract. Their deaths would power the grail and give it life. What other means could he have? It was their purpose. They existed for no other reason. He almost envied them such a surety of purpose, to know why they existed, their reason for being, something he himself longed for...

Abruptly that hooded gazed snapped open again, with eyes the color of poisoned honey.

Kirei was no fool; he knew at once something had changed between them.

In a moment, the air around them took on an odd charge.

"What _are_ you?" Assassin whispered.

He frowned in confusion.

"Kotomine Kirei-URK?!"

A scarred hand wrapped around his throat even as he spoke, rendering the words little more than a broken gurgle on his tongue. In an instant his feet fled from the floor-held aloft by the single solitary palm. Try as he might he couldn't pry those fingers from his closing windpipe; indeed, the mere act of doing so threatened to shatter them entirely. Still the pressure intensified, a horrible vice inexorably crushing the life from his body. To his dismay a second hand joined it, grinding against flesh and bone, taxing the very limits of his endurance. Pain threatened to render him mute, but he pushed past it to raise an arm.

Trembling, he willed power to his hand.

"Servant, by the power of my Command Spell, I com-

Powerful palms upon his throat tightened yet further, physically silencing him.

"You _reek."_ golden eyes blazed up at him with frightful intensity, heedless of his rasping gasps. "Why? Just what the hell is wrong with your soul? You broken or something? What do you want? Answer me. Else I might have to break my rule for you. Try anything funny and I'll snap you like a twig."

"R-Rule...?"

With that his grasp slackened a fraction of an inch, but only just.

"I don't kill." the blond informed him blackly, those ghastly eyes never once leaving his in spite of their elevation. "People, at any rate." he amended after a thoughtful pause. "Servants are different. Might make an exception for you, though. My instincts are _screaming_ at me right now."

"I...

In that fateful moment, the wayward priest experienced an epiphany. To lie-not that he was particularly inclined to do so-would mean his death. He was clearly no match for his Servant. Any attempt to command him now would only result in his death. He didn't want to die. For all his faults and flaws, of that he remained certain. He wanted to live. He wanted to understand this warped existence of his and come to terms with it. Death would only prevent that. In the end the truth was the only avenue left open to him.

"I don't know." he admitted honestly.

Assassin actually blinked at that.

It was the right thing to say.

"You don't know?"

Kirei felt his body crash to the ground like a stone, but in that instant he was far too preoccupied with _trying to_ _breathe_ to even consider his good fortune. Air flooded his withered lungs, sending them hacking and coughing in furious spasms as he clutched at his throat. A disbelieving laugh leaped from his lips as flopped onto his back and gazed into the night sky, though he knew not why. No, perhaps he did. In that moment he'd tasted true death; seen the void yawning wide to engulf him, only to be drawn back at the last second.

Exhilarating.

"Aaaaaaand now you're laughing." Assassin's flat voice scoffed from the shadows above him. "Tch. Suppose its a bit early to kill you after all. Very well. I'll judge you based on your deeds, rather than your words. Be glad you didn't summon Kurama instead. He wouldn't have been so merciful."

...you don't sound terribly pleased to say that."

A low growl snaked through the air.

"Trust me, I'm not."

Gasping for air, Kotomine climbed to his feet.

As ever, Assassin stood at arms length, refusing to approach him.

His servant remained wary of him for some indefatigable reason he didn't understand. There was nothing he could possibly due to harm him save for his Command Spells. Theoretically he could command Assassin to kill himself here and now. Given all he'd just endured, the Executor found himself seriously doubting that notion. The young man might actually survive long enough to kill him if he made such an attempt. For a fleeting instant he glimpsed a light in that whiskered visage, as though something-someone?-else were gazing back and had found him intriguing.

"Don't even think about it." Assassin hissed, crossing both arms beneath his cloak. "I may not like killing, but I'll still gut you if you try to make me off myself."

"Noted."

He'd do it too; of that Kirei held no doubts. Fire roared high in the whiskered warrior's gaze, holding an unspoken promise of pain if he did anything untoward. The slightest slip on his part would see their already-strained relationship explode spectacularly. A dagger in the back would the least of his worries then. If this Servant took it into his head to rebel now, there was no telling how much damage he could cause. Very well. For now he would play along, hold out in the hopes that Tokiomi's Servant would be able to quell this unruly youth when the war finally commenced next month.

...it would prove to be a long thirty days.

Master and Servant stood apart, neither willing to speak further.

In the end, Naruto caved first.

"Alright, lets deal. What do you want?" When Kirei didn't immediately respond, the blond grew flustered and flailed his arms in irritation. "Your wish, man! What is it?!"

His blank expression spoke volumes.

...nothing?" Aghast, the Assassin gaped at him. "You don't have one? And the Grail _still_ picked you to be a Master?"

"I admit, it wasn't what I expected either." Kirei groused sullenly.

 _"Ditto!"_

Naruto clicked his tongue in mild annoyance, threw up his arms and stormed away, forcing his less agile Master to hasten after him lest he be left behind. Despite his slight frame Assassin proved himself surprisingly agile in spite of his admittedly low expectations. For a fleeting instant Kirei almost wondered-hoped!-his Servant would vanish into the trees, never to return. He would be so lucky. Something told him _this_ Assassin would prove far more troublesome than the one he'd intended to summon. Spirits only knew what Tokiomi would make of him; of this wrench thrown into their finely crafted plans.

Another beat of awkward silence passed between the two of them, broken only by the crunch of leaves trod underfoot.

"Ever tried spicy ramen, Kirei?" Assassin inquired abruptly.

Baffled, the priest could only shake his head.

"I must confess, I have not. What is it?"

That impish smile grew wider still.

 _"You're gonna love it."_

 **A/N: There we have it.**

 **Yes, that was a jab at Kirei's spicy tofu at the end there.**

 **Writing this with one hand and a broken body/heart so do excuse the typos.**

 **I have yet to see a story where Naruto was summoned as Assassin in Fate Zero. By KIREI of all people. Didn't see that coming did you? Oh Lord,** **between him and Gilgamesh, the poor man's going to go stark raving mad.** **We've already seen that Command Spells are greatly weakened against someone like Naruto, so don't expect him to go the way of Hassan and commit virtual suicide by Rider.**

 **Time will only tell if he tries to "convert" Kirei or simply turns on him.**

 **Now" lets clarify the Servants real quick:**

 **Lancer might be a surprise.**

 **Assassin is Naruto, of course.**

 **Caster WILL be someone else entirely.**

 **Saber, Rider, Archer,and Berserker however, shall remain the same.**

 **Oh, as far as Naruto and Gilgamesh are concerned?**

 **Oil and water.**

 **That's all.**

 **Speaking of which WHY DO YOU PEOPLE want me to write a female Gilgamesh so badly?! I've never done that! It would just feel...odd, turning the King of Heroes into a girl. Amusing to be sure, but that's a risky endeavor and not one I'm sure I'm capable of pulling off...thoughts?**

 **And the pairing...why...is that not obvious?**

 **So in the Immortal Words Of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **It would mend my heart.**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **(Previews)**

 _"Oh?"_

 _Aoi smiled._

 _Naruto bowed._

 _"Charmed, I'm sure."_

* * *

 _"Independent action. Gotta love it."_

* * *

 _"I ORDER you to observe! Nothing more!"_

 _"Hmm...let me think about-no. You just wasted a Command Spell. Too bad. So sad."_

 _Faced with the combined onslaught of Berserker and Lancer alike, Saber had expected to perish. The thought sent a bitter pang through her heart. To be faced with defeat so soon in the war..._

 _'Saber, right?" a brilliant tendril of thought brushed against her mind, causing the blond to recoil. 'Keep the big guy's attention for one more second, will you?'_

 _"What madness is this-_

 _She did no expect Assassin of all Servants to come to her aid._

 _Surely it must have been Assassin; no one else could've concealed their presence to the very last moment; least of all gotten the drop on a Servant like that. Plunging like a silent shadow his cloaked form alighted upon Berserker's broad back in a soundless sheathe. Cold steel flashed in the gloom, leaving her to glimpse a twisted knife mere moments before that shadowy dagger plunged down down into the strange shadowy carapace that concealed the knight's form from view._ _In the same instant he arched his back and drove an elbow into Lancer's startled visage, casting them away with startling force._

 _Then all hell broke loose._

 _Berserker's howl was that of a wild animal; its body bucked, flinging Assassin away._

 _Again-much to her chagrin-the killer surprised her by alighting at her side._

 _Moreso when he turned that strange dagger toward the duo._

 _A grim smile flashed out at her in the gloom._

 _"Mind if I cut in?"_

* * *

 _"Oh, HELL no."_

 _Caster smiled softly._

 _"Whatever is the matter, sweet boy?"_

 _Assassin grimaced. "Alright, she's fucking terrifying. Can I opt out of this, Master? Please?"_

 _Kirei considered it._

 _"I think...not."_

 _"BASTARD!"_

* * *

 _"Why won't you obey me?! You listened earlier!"_

 _Assassin only laughed louder._

 _"Master, you don't have NEARLY enough Command Spells to make me dance to Tokiomi's tune...its so boring!"_

* * *

 _"What is a king to a god?"_

 _Pearly white teeth flashed in the gloom._

 _"Ha! What is a god to a nonbeliever, mongrel?!"_

 _"I may be a mongrel, but at least I don't have my head up my ass!"_

 _Gilgamesh visibly twitched. "Assassin...if you wish to die that badly...you need only ask."_

 _Behind him the Gate of Babylon swelled open in a dozen rippling portals, only for each to strike empty shadows._

 _"I'm not stupid enough to cross blades with you in this form." his fellow blond laughed. "Tha_ _t would be a death sentence."_

 ** _R &R~!_**


	2. Unlikely Hope

**A/N: This chapter just kept growing...and growing...and growing...**

 **Also!**

 **JUST SAW BUMBLEBEE~!  
**

 **Has anyone else? What did you think of it? Let yourself be heard!**

 **Oddly enough, people want me to write a story about it. I think...this is one franchise I'll leave alone. Charlie and Bee are absolutely adorable and any interference on my part would mess with that dynamic, I feel. Not to say it won't birth countless one-shots and such from other authors, but I think I'll let this be.**

 **Of course, I welcome all opinions.**

 **I wasn't expecting so many reviews!**

 **Now then, let's answer your questions!**

 **Lots of talking/plotting in this chapter, so be warned!**

 **Q: Is this Assassin/Naruto still...you know...Naruto? OUR Naruto?**

 **A: He is, and yet he isn't. Under normal circumstances he's still his happy go-lucky self. He wants to help people. He wants so save whomever he can. But like Vlad his legend has been stained, and he isn't happy about it. So long as the subject isn't broached he won't take action. Unfortunately, someone makes the mistake of broaching his past in this chapter and...well...**

 **...you'll see.**

 **This is what happens when someone twists your legend.**

 **Q: Didn't Naruto kill Kakuzu though? And that Itachi-copy-thing?**

 **A: NO. Kakashi killed Kakuzu. Look it up. He dealt the finishing blow. Furthermore, that whole Itachi clone thing was Pain's doing. Not Naruto. Doesn't count. I'm sure if he'd actually been responsible for that one's death he would've been far more torn up about it. Make no mistake, he's TRIED to kill people when in a blind rage, but he's never succeeded. Also, Fenrir of the North! Please turn your private messaging on! I have no other way to respond to you otherwise!**

 **Also, I don't count filler.**

 **Q: Are you still taking class suggestions for that massive Fate Crossover you're working on?**

 **A: Always~!**

 **Q: Can Naruto redeem Kirei?**

 **A: See, that's a bit iffy. In theory it can be done, but it'll be damn hard. Especially when one considers that Gilgamesh is around in this story. Meaning Kotomine is likely to be tugged in two different directions at times. Who knows where that'll lead?**

 **Of course, Naruto could also temper Kirei, make him less sadistic. Who knows?**

 **Q: Please save Sakura. That's all I ask. She doesn't deserve what happens to her. Surely Aoi can say something...?**

 **A: While I can't say anything due to plot, I can assure you that Tokiomi's going to regret what he did.**

 **Q: Did you know Tokiomi KNEW about the Matou clan rituals before he gave Sakura to them?**

 **A: I just found out about that. I AM NOT AMUSED. Recall that Sakura was given to Zouken a YEAR before the war started, as well...**

 **Q: So what're we looking at pairing wise?**

 **A: Frankly, its up in the air. Saber is free game because she hasn't met Shirou yet, but Aoi is a married woman-albeit with an ignorant husband-and Irisviel has Kiritsugu. I'm sure you're wondering what my plans for them are. Is it wrong that I felt sorry for Sola? No worries, all will become clear in time, and I certainly have no intention of screwing over the main cast too badly...**

 **...except Ryuunosuke. He will ALWAYS die in my stories. Seriously, why does anyone LIKE that psycho?!**

 **Q: Wonder how the Servants will react to someone who's anything BUT an Assassin?**

 **A: Oh, he'll get along swimmingly with some, not so much for others. The quote before the chapter encapsulates one in particular.**

 **Q: Noting some similarities between Naruto and Vlad. Was that intentional?**

 **A: Yeah, that was intentional. In a sense he empathizes with him.**

 **Q: Can Naruto resist Command Spells?**

 **A: Yes and no. Every Servant cant to an extent; especially those known for their willpower. Naruto? Its literally one of his defining traits. He's also wicked fast-as I'm sure you all remember-meaning he's liable to make anyone giving him a bad order pay dearly for it, with their life. In short, if you force him to...I dunno...kill someone, you'd better hope you have another Command Spell on hand!**

 **One final note, we see a minor time-skip of a few days here, and the war has not yet begun.**

 **Right, I do hope that answers all of your questions then, everyone!**

 **We're going with the "Unlikely" theme for chapter titles here.**

 **Also, this chapter is told from multiple viewpoints here.**

 **I'll try to keep it flowing nice and neatly.**

 **This chapter gets...emotional.**

 **Hope you like it~!**

 _"Its simply the way things are, Assassin."_

 _"The dead can't help the living? Who decided that?"_

 _"The dead can't guide the future? And who decided that?"_

 _"The dead cannot save those in need? Tell me, who decided that, huh?!"_

 _"Screw that! If I want to help someone then dammit, I'm going to help them! Try and stop me!"_

 _~?_

 **Unlikely Hope**

 _So._

This was a Servant, then.

He wasn't what she'd expected, not at all.

In all honesty, Aoi Tohsaka almost found herself impressed; to hear tell of them from her husband was one thing, but to actually _see_ one in the flesh-standing in her own courtyard no less!-was another matter entirely. Heroic Spirits were legends of yore, so infamous to have their names etched upon the very fabric of reality itself. Their essence built on crystallized rumors and myths, beings from a bygone era made flesh. Though she herself lacked the magical circuits of her husband, she was well aware of the mysteries that surrounded Servants and their myriad existence.

At a glance this one almost appeared human.

Warm afternoon sunlight caught upon his golden mane, framing a whiskered visage from which eerie azure orbs shone. Even at this comparative distance, she could see his face.

See his smile.

Were it not for surety of his movements as he carried out his task and the telltale shimmer of those impossibly blue eyes, she might yet have believed it. He moved with a grace she didn't understand, a silent, if somewhat saddened confidence, an aura of myopic madness. He had no sense of presence, nay, though she was looking right at him, he didn't register against her senses. Was this the vaunted Presence Concealment she'd been told of? Tokiomi had been rather sparse in his explanation of their new...guest; brewing war or no, she hadn't been able to wrench more details from him. But she knew enough to recognize what-if not who-this being truly was.

No visible weapons to speak of?

A complete and utter lack of presence?

The fact that he _wasn't_ a drooling imbecile?

No, this could only be Assassin. And if this unassuming young man served as _that_ class then she shuddered to think what the others might be. Perhaps Tokiomi was right to send them away tomorrow. They'd only be a hindrance in the battles to come, a vulnerability that his enemies could exploit. A weakness.

 _"No, not like that!"_

Still, that didn't stop Assassin from having fun while he still could.

"Darn it!" her daughter's high, frustrated snarl swept across the courtyard as she approached, voice piquing with frustration. "Why won't it work?!"

"You do realize I spent years perfecting this technique, no?" a bemused rumble answered her. "Its not something one can learn...well, not in one day at least. Even I wasn't that good."

Sensing the implied challenge, the littlest Tohsaka bristled. "Just watch me!"

"Say that _after_ you keep the balloon intact."

"You'll see!"

Peripherally Aoi was aware of the catastrophe playing out before her; yet she couldn't help but smile as she looked on. She wasn't at all surprised to see that her daughter had found him first; Rin was nothing if not inquisitive. She was every bit the mage her father was, and with the proper training would be more. Much more. It only made sense that she'd sense this change and seek it out for herself before they departed. After all, it wasn't every day one met a living legend, much less learned from them.

At least _this_ _one_ had decided to humor her.

"Stupid spell! Why can't I get this thing to work?!"

"That's because it is _not_ a spell." again that low, patient voice rang out as she watched Assassin chastise her child, those strong arms firmly folded behind his back. "This, is a _jutsu,_ passed down through the last days of the shinobi. One created by my father, known only to a handful of us. We used chakra to create it, sustain it, give it form. It operates on three principles. Rotation. Power. Containment. Not so easy with prana now, is it? From what I understand, the concept of magic circuits and chakra coils aren't wholly unalike, _but..._

A harsh pop put paid to his words.

"Gah! This darn thing! Did you put holes in these or something?!"

"I wouldn't put it past him." Kirei's voice answered as she drew within earshot. "He seems the sort to do something like that."

Nearby was Assassin's young master of course, observing the proceedings with veiled interest. Strange, that one. For someone who claimed to find no joy in life, he seemed oddly taken by the strangest things. This lesson and Rin's suffering, for instance. Why, he might even be taking _notes_ judging by the keen look in his eyes. For now she put it out of her mind, resolving to figure out that mystery later and watch the scene play out to its inevitable conclusion. Rin wasn't the most social child; as her mother, she wanted to see her daughter interact with others outside the family as much as possible...

...even if one of those two had taken it into his head to tease her.

"You flatter me, Master!" Rich, resonant laughter riposted the priest's veiled taunt. "But no, I didn't. She's just that bad. Then again, maybe the Rasengan's too much for her...

"Shut up, shut up, shut _uuuuuuuuup!"_ the poor girl wailed, stomping her feet! "Both of you! I'll master this if its the last thing I do!"

"Careful now!" Naruto crowed! "Wouldn't want to raise any death flags!"

 _"Aaaargh!"_

By the time Aoi finally reached the three of them, the poor girl was absolutely in tatters, mentally as well as emotionally. She looked quite the sight; drenched from her head to her toes; her crimson coat all but soaked through against her shoulders, her dark, dripping hair plastered against her forehead. The tattered remains of more than a dozen ruined water balloons lay scattered about the dewy grass at her feat, their once-colorful remains all but shredded by her successive failures. Even then Rin stubbornly clung on in the face of adversity and refused to admit defeat.

She might've yet held out longer if Aoi hadn't intervened.

"Mooooom! They're bullying me!"

"Oh, you poor thing...

Her daughter looked so adorably pitiful that she took her into her arms without a second thought, heedless of her clothes. Plaintive aqua eyes gazed up at her and her lower lip trembled. However, the moment those slim limb encircled her, all of hope of resistance crumbled. Perhaps had she paid closer attention, she might've seen that impish grin that peeked over her shoulder.

"W-Why you little minx!" Assassin sputtered. "You asked _me_ to teach _you!_ How is this bullying, ya know?!"

"Because you cheated!" the younger Tohsaka exclaimed.

Exasperated, he flung up his arms. "I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"NOT!"

Rin merely stuck out her tongue. "Bleh!"

"We're not troubling you then, Kei?" Aoi inquired, releasing her daughter as the pair continued to squabble in the background. "I'm sure you and Assassin have better things to do than entertain Rin all day. You haven't even touched your lunch...

The young priest stiffened at the reminder of his extremely spicy meal. "As a matter of fact- _oomph?!"_

Kirei looked as though he wanted to protest, but Naruto steamrolled him with all the the ferocity of a phantasmal beast. An elbow slid between his ribs to smite the breath from his lungs, momentarily rendering the former executor mute. Doubling over, he shot his Servant a dirty look and was summarily ignored for it.

"Don't mind him." the blond hummed. "I'm still working on his attitude."

 _"MY attitude?!"_

Another elbow silenced him.

"Not much progress yet, my lady."

Aoi arched an eyebrow.

"My lady?"

Assassin offered her a small, almost nostalgic smile. "What can I say? You remind me of someone I once knew. Or it could be my horrible luck stat. Probably the latter."

How little she knew.

It warmed him more than words to see a mother caring for her daughter...even if it did stir fond memories best left forgotten on the throne. Aoi even resembled his late wife in a sense, though she was far bolder and even a tad mischievous, or so it would seem. Hmm. He took a moment to bask in the warm afterglow of that thought, letting it wash over him in the warm sunshine. He'd lost the last of his family long ago, felt the pain and sorrow of their passing, and moved on. But a reminder of those days was always welcome.

"Really," he continued with a wry grin, "Its a shame you weren't the one to summon me. In another life, we would've gotten along famously."

Kire muttered darkly to himself.

Blue eyes lingered over his shoulder.

"Oh, hush and eat your ramen, altar boy. I'm just talking out loud."

Much to Aoi's amusement, the former executor relented and did as he was told.

Still, that left Assassin's earlier remark and try as she might she couldn't let it go unchallenged.

...I am not a mage, Servant." she admonished the smiling Servant gently. "That wouldn't be possible."

"I stand by what I said." the blond sketched a low bow in response. "And please, my lady, just Naruto will do."

In one smooth motion he snatched her hand and brought the back of her palm to his lips. Then he laid his lips upon it in a gentle kiss. Alarm colored Aoi's visage as she tugged her hand away, tempered by the realization that Assassin made no move to steal her hand back. It reminded her of her younger days with Tokiomi. She'd all but forgotten what it was like to be actively courted by someone who'd genuinely taken an interest in her as opposed to the political union she'd entered into; married though she might be, still, it was almost...pleasant to be fussed over. Odd. This almost felt...familiar? A strange, unknowable feeling sparked to life in her breast.

How quaint.

Despite her best efforts to conceal her smile behind a hand, Aoi laughed.

"My, aren't you forward."

Naruto bowed.

"Charmed, I'm sure."

Abruptly, Rin's small form pushed itself between them.

"For crying out loud, the both of you!" she cried! "Assassin! Stop flirting and start teaching me! I want to learn this before we leave tomorrow!"

A look of mild exasperation flitted across the blond's visage.

"Fine. I'll just show you it, then."

"Show me what?"

 _"This."_

Exhaling softly, Assassin extended his right hand and formed and upward-facing claw with it. At first, nothing happened. Then she glimpsed it. A telltale shimmer in his hand, an aura of light taking shape. Within moments a sphere the size of a small ball formed, then larger, taking on the likeness of a small pulsing blue sun. Like Assassin-Naruto!-it looked relatively harmless, so innocuous and yet...were either of them to touch it, the result would be death. Aoi knew not from whence that thought had come, but she accepted it all the same.

Rin edged closer. "So that's it, then?"

"This is the Rasengan." Naruto instructed, carefully holding it out of reach, his face bathed in ethereal blue glow. "What you see now is its normal state. So long as I keep it in my palm like this, its contained. But when it makes contact with something...

Bending at an impossible angle, the blond spun and leaped away from them, driving the spiraling sphere into a distant patch of grassy earth.

The ground ruptured in instant; flecks of debris and smoke spraying wildly about. Still, Assassin's technique bore down, drilling against the ground with a ferocious snarl. Nothing was spared. All at once, the Rasengan fell apart and ignited tenfold, expanding violently against the soil. What followed wasn't quite an explosion; rather a localized burst of prana that threatened to blind all those present, a technique that sought only to destroy, to rip and to tear all who dared cross its path.

When his _jutsu_ finally abated and the smoke cleared, the results spoke for themselves.

"You see?" Brushing a cloud of minuscule debris from his coat, Assassin stoically climbed out of the gaping crater he'd created. "Absolute destruction. Its a fine trick if you ever get caught in a close combat fight. From here one can enhance it further based on your chakra nature...

"So...you're saying I can make it even more powerful if I apply an element to it?!" her daughter interjected, eyes beaming. "Can you throw it, too?! Like a bomb?!"

Naruto actually blinked at that.

In _yet another_ timeline, Assassin wouldn't have deigned to associate with the Tohsaka family at all, deeming them unworthy of his attention. Of even speaking to them. Of course, those of the _Hassan_ were seldom social and often prone to violent fits of pique. They lived solely for their task, little more.

Here?

The blond merely smiled.

"You're a sharp little thing, aren't you?" he hummed. "I'm half tempted to teach you the Rasenshuriken after this...but something tells me that'd be a bad idea."

"Awwwww, why not?"

That same smile twitched, just so.

...because I get the feeling you'd abuse the living hell out of it."

Not one to be cowed so easily, Rin puffed out her cheeks in stubborn defiance.

 _"NogoodspoilsportAssassinthatissounfair!"_

Naruto absolutely hissed at her.

 **"Do not call me that!"**

Rin flinched.

 _"S-Sorry!"_

To Aoi's dismay, a sudden and unexpected rage roared high in those cold blue eyes, a fire so fierce she felt she'd burn just by looking at it. For a fleeting instant his gaze snapped into scarlet slits. An instant. A moment, a sliver in time, but that was all it took. Perhaps realizing his slip, Assassin paused. Straightened. With a quiet groan he palmed his face and shook his head to clear his thoughts. Thus mastering himself, he sketched another bow, this one lower than all the rest combined. A bandaged hand descended, tousling her daughter's still-damp hair with strained affection.

"I'm sorry, little one." he sighed. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. Its just..I don't like that title."

"But it is your class, is not?" Aoi posited.

"That may be so, but I'm still not fond of it." the blond groused. "Just call me by my given name, will you?"

Kirei observed the scene with quiet stoicism as he polished off the last of his absurdly spicy meal. There it was again. That brief burst of temper, that fit of pique, stubbornly kept under wraps. He'd glimpsed it before after Assassin's summoning and now it had reared its ugly head once more. For a fleeting instant after that outburst the Servant had looked lost, pained, as though he'd failed to recognize his very sense of self. Hmm. Perhaps they were more alike than he'd initially surmised.

Laying the bowl to rest, the wayward priest watched his Servant undertake the lesson once more:

"Now, again."

Given her daughter's penchant for all things magical, Aoi half-expected Rin to at least muster some semblance of the Rasengan after seeing it in action firsthand. She might still struggle to master Tokiomi's jewelcraft, but she'd proven herself surprisingly adept in other fields of study. Surely she'd be able to learn this ability, even if it was one known to a Heroic Spirit.

Instead a fresh balloon exploded spectacularly, the force of the blast scalding her young hand.

"Its not fair." Rin recoiled, hissing. "Sakura would've been able to do this! Why can't I?!"

Too late she realized her slip; and a deafening silence fell over the unlikely trio.

"Sakura?" Naruto posited. "And she is...?"

...father says we're not supposed to talk about her." Rin amended with a wince.

"Is that so?"

Rather than crimson, Aoi found herself face to face with strange, golden eyes, their slanted pupils regarding her with mild intent. Not of anger, nor of curiosity, but concern. In stark contrast to his earlier outburst, this time the weight of Assassin's regard settled around her like a warm blanket, cocooning her in warmth. Reassurance. Some strange sense of self told her that _these_ amber orbs weren't to be feared like those of the red; rather, the sight of them filled her with ease. A tiny voice urged her to speak, but she ruthlessly slammed the lid on it before it could burst out.

"And why is that?" Assassin inquired. "Did she...pass away?"

The thought sent a fresh pang through Aoi's heart.

She nearly told him.

The worlds lurked on the tip of her tongue, waiting-begging!-to be spoken. In her heart of hearts she longed for an ally, for someone-anyone!-to understand what had happened, to undo the cruel injustice that had been done to her daughter. To sweet, sweet Sakura. Yet a thorn of stubborn pride pricked her heart and held her back. She was the wife of a magus. She had known this might be the fate of one of her children. She must be stronger than this. Besides, it wasn't as if Assassin could do anything. He was meant to fight in the war to come. Nothing more, nothing less. It wasn't her place to interfere with his duties.

And yet...

Trembling, she forcibly lowered her head.

"No." she forced the words past numb lips. "Its nothing."

Naruto looked as though he wanted to pry, but held his tongue.

After a moment's consideration, his wrapped hand settled upon her shoulder.

"Well," he allowed reluctantly, "If you'd like to talk later, I'm all ears. The dead do not lead the living, or so the saying goes." his words trailed off into another soft sigh. "Thing is, I've never been one to follow convention myself. I lived. I died." A small laugh shook his shoulders. "Now I live again...as a shadow of my former self. Yet even a shadow has its uses. We'll see what use your husband has for me. Speaking of which...

Thus speaking, he tilted his head.

Placid blue eyes turned toward a nearby balcony.

"I believe you _darling dearest_ is watching us at this very moment...

* * *

 **(...0o0o0...)**

* * *

 _Tokiomi was...concerned._

Not angry by any means, but still, concerned.

By forcing Kirei to summon Assassin of a Hundred faces a month before the war, he'd hoped to stack the deck in his favor. In a sense, he'd succeeded. Assassin had indeed been summoned, called forth from the Throne of Heroes into this world to do their bidding. He had quarreled with Kirei of course, but that too fell well within the realm of Tokiomi's calculations. He couldn't be blamed for such a failure; sometimes such anomalies were simply the will of the Grail. Who could hope to understand this wild card in the war to come?

A Servant capable of disguising himself as anyone he wished.

Rather than draw that legendary killer of yore, they'd pulled an even better ally to their side. An unknown perhaps, but still a Servant of great use. The blond was even somewhat willing to work with them-no doubt for his own wish-provided the former didn't abuse his Command Spells upon him or force him to do anything untoward.

Able to copy himself with a mere gesture.

Loud perhaps for an Assassin, but the sheer breadth of his abilities more than made up for this...discrepancy. A faceless killer he was not-but perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. For a Servant who claimed to value life above all else, he certainly wasn't above laying traps of his own. Only a day into his new existence and he'd already kitted out half the manor under his Master's watchful eye. From the mundane trappings of wires and odd knives to affixing strange symbols upon every flat surface he could find He'd seen war before. For now, so long as they kept Assassin-and his mercurial moods-occupied, he wasn't a threat.

Devilishly fast, almost frightfully so.

He was, all things considered, certainly someone to be concerned about, and clearly not one who took chances. Tokiomi could understand that much; after all he himself had staked everything-the very future of his family itself-on the outcome of this war. Victory or death. These were the only outcomes that remained to him. Triumph would bring glory and eternity. Failure, the ultimate end. If the former meant tolerating a bit of backtalk then so be it. Surely Kirei could contain the worst of his Servant's eccentricities. He could be pragmatic about this...for now.

In less than a month's time the King of Heroes would finally be summoned.

Then any potential rebellion on Assassin's part would be ruthlessly quashed underfoot...no matter how quick he claimed to be.

His gaze turned back to the object of his fascination. Sprawled before him on his desk, the catalyst awaited, almost begging to be used. Scarcely larger than the palm of his hand, the relic itself appeared to be little more than broken fragment of mummified creature. In actuality it was the fossil of the first skin ever shed by a snake. A small, cold smile tugged at his featured as his fingers caressed its smooth surface.

"Soon." he reassured tattered nerves, willing his stress away. "Only a few more days now...

Frankly, _any_ iteration of the King of Uruk would be most welcome with that rogue Servant roving about. He'd caused enough trouble already; if Assassin was given free reign of the estate for too long, he might come to expect certain liberties of them. When said liberties were summarily revoked during the war...well, he might not take kindly to that.

Of course, now that said Servant was strolling about the estate he was utterly beyond their control.

A distant peal of feminine laughter from the lower courtyard claimed Tohsaka's attention, diverting his attention from relic on his desk. Under any other circumstances would've heartened his spirit. Now? His smile curdled like sour milk in his belly as he opened the window to survey the scene below. Really, despite all he'd said and done he would've been willing to tolerate Assassin, save for one minor discrepancy.

Said Servant had taken it into his head to approach his family.

Again, that could've been tolerated.

But his wife, of all people?

As luck would have it, Tokimon arrived on the scene at the worst possible moment; just as Assassin laid a hand on her shoulder. In a single seamless motion his wife jolted and stepped back-but inexplicably she made no move to rebuke him. This sight further stirred the pot.

Perhaps sensing him, Assassin looked up.

That smile was...not pleasant.

 _"Why so serious?"_

He didn't so much as move as he did blur; one moment Tokiomi had been looking down on him; the next, the man stood in his blind spot, hand clamped against his shoulder. It couldn't even rightly be called movement on a physical scale-he'd simply transitioned from one space to the next. A golden streak Startled by the sudden technique but unwilling to reveal it, the elder Tohsaka shook himself free and turned to face his recalcitrant ally.

"Did you...teleport just now?"

"If only." Assassin sighed, settling in beside him. "Its not part of my legend so it takes ages to set up. Honestly, I prefer substitution...far less energy intensive."

"You aren't lacking, I trust?"

Blue eyes quirked in a slight smile.

"Nope. Independent action. Gotta love it." strong arms spread wide. "I've got energy for days...so long as I don't overdo it."

Hmmph.

That settled things then.

He would show him the respect he was due and not an ounce more. Unlike the King of Heroes, he held no respect for this familiar. Indeed, he'd begun to see him as something of an oaf. A useful one perhaps, but an oaf nonetheless. He would see to it that Kirei utilized Assassin to the full breadth of his capabilities and then, when the time came, they would cast him aside and be done with this pitiful farce. First and foremost, he wouldn't let him near Aoi. Assassin struck him as the sort to be...sentimental. The last thing he needed was him putting ideas in her head.

"On the topic of action," He began, stroking his goatee, "I would ask you to stay away from my wife."

"Why the long face?" Assassin regarded him with curious intent. "You look like you're about to lop my head right off."

Tokiomi bristled at the unspoken threat lurking within those witty words. "Just what are you insinuating, Servant. Watch your tongue."

Rather than respond to that slight, Naruto flipped the proverbial table and leaped onto the very rail Tokiomi had only just vacated mere moments before.

"I like fixing things." the blond replied glibly as he spun on the stone edifice, maintaining his balance with almost supernatural ease. "People, places, they're all one and the same to me. If I can help someone find their way in this world then I like to think I've done some good. Made a difference, you know? And your family...well, pardon the grammar but...I'm thinking it needs _a lot_ of fixing. In any case, whats it matter?" a brief flip vaulted him forward, leaving him to alight upon a single hand before springing back onto his haunches. "They'll be gone tomorrow; water under the bridge, as they say. So if I can help them before then, its a win-win in my book."

"Even considering your wish?"

Blue eyes snapped into virulent gold.

"Careful now, Tokiomi." Naruto purred and for an instant-a fleeting sliver of eternity-the fool's facade slipped, revealing the wrathful warrior within. "I _enjoy_ our little talks, but be careful."

"We've only spoken twice." he pointed out.

Just like that the mask snapped back into place.

"Ah, but they were such _riveting_ talks!" Assassin declared, spinning like a top.

That settled it, then. Perhaps it was time to lay some ground rules after all, lest this buffoon get ahead of himself.

"Enough of this nonsense." Tokiomi declared, flinging up an arm to bar the blond's path. "Its high time I explain your purpose in this war; the reason for your summoning. Your task is both reconnaissance and to eliminate the enemy Masters before they can mount a proper resistance." When young man didn't challenge him, Tokiomi mistook his silence for meek acceptance and continued. "Together with Archer, we will use your talents to harry both them and their Servants, thus-

Assassin uttered a jaw-popping yawn.

"Yeeeaaah, not gonna do that."

Tohsaka stiffened. "What?!"

"I'll fight whatever Servant you lot point me at, but I won't kill innocents just to further your heinous gain." Those lazy blue eyes crystallized into something terribly close to outright defiance as he jammed both hands into his pockets and braced his feet on the rail. "You'll have to use a Command Spell if you want me to even _think_ about it. Two to make me do the deed. Didn't Kirei tell you that already?"

 _Blast._

...he did not."

"Ain't that a pity." came the bland reply.

For all his efforts to maintain civility, Tohsaka bristled anew.

Perhaps a softer touch was required. He might yet appeal to his pride.

"These magi are hardly considered innocent, Assassin." putting his silver tongue to work, he sought to persuade the being before him by virtue of a warped half-truth. "By all accounts you would be doing the world a favor in killing them." In a sense this was true; what little intel he'd gathered thus far didn't speak well for any of them. If he could make Assassin think he was in the right he would succeed where others had failed...

In a sudden movement, Assassin sprang off the rail and jammed his forehead against his.

"Then by that same argument aren't you just as guilty?"

...or he could fail horribly.

A dark brow rose.

"Excuse me?"

Golden sage eyes narrowed upon him.

"I can't tell if you've honestly deluded yourself into believing you're doing the right thing or if you're just plain _stupid._ Regardless, I don't need to understand you. You're not my Master." his mouth curled into a rare sneer of contempt. "Kotomine is. He's been selected for something he doesn't understand-least of all himself. That makes him marginally more interesting than you. Thus, I take my orders from him. Not some jumped-up ponce playing war games."

Stubborn it was, then.

Exasperated, he turned away.

"What kind of Assassin are you, then?!"

Naruto favored him with a long, pitying look.

...you're not at all familiar with my legend are you?"

Tohsaka favored the robed killer with a baffled look. "I beg your pardon?"

"Imagine this." the blond raised a twisted hand, weighing it against the other. "There was once a boy." he began softly, slinging one arm back over the rail, propping himself against it with lower limbs alone. "The boy never killed anyone. The boy fought for those precious to him. The boy saved everyone he could while accepting a fundamental truth; to save someone means not to save someone else. The boy knew this. He understood it; loathed it, but accepted it all the same. Years pass. The boy defeats the enemies of his people. The boy grows old. The boy becomes a man. The man settles down. Starts a family."

Oh dear.

Tokiomi realized where this was going.

Though a muscle jumped in Assassin's jaw and he ground his teeth, still he continued.

"The man fights until his friends are long gone and his family is dust; until the very people he sought to save finally begin to fear him." something ugly reared its head in his then expression, a hideous weight blackened by decades of regret, coupled with a strangle longing he couldn't quantify. Try as he might, Tokiomi flinched away from it as the Servant leaned forward. "In the end they accuse the man. Condemn him. Revile him for crimes he did not commit. The man knows this to be false, yet is powerless to stop it. In the end, the man dies, still fighting."

Finishing his tale, the slim Servant pushed himself off the rail.

 _"My_ story was not the one etched into legend." he hissed, eyes wide and slitted. " _That lie_ _was._ A falsehood that claimed my nation and eventually, my people. My wife. My children. My friends. My everything. And so I deny it. With my every waking breath, with my smile. With my very existence. I deny it." In a sharp, jerky motion he bolted to his feet and lunged forward, forcing the magus back half a step. "Think on that for a moment, little magus. You think you know death, little man? You think you know of betrayal? You think you know what it means to watch _**your line-your life!-crumble away into dust?!"**_

With every step Tokiomi retreated Assassin followed, advancing upon him until his back crashed against the wall.

Cornered, he could only stand his ground and hope the Servant would recover his sense of self.

A clawed palm put paid to that thought, shattering the thin plaster beside his head.

 _"You know nothing."_

...what are you?"

Bitter laughter answered him.

"Hope. Regret. A miserable little bag of secrets. What does it matter now?" with a helpless shrug the Servant spun away from him. "What _matters_ is that I'm on your side; well, Kirei's side." A lopsided smile quirked 'cross the young man's visage, not of cruelty or sadism, but quiet confidence. "For the time being. Until one of you tries to dispose of me. Although," his head cocked aside, considering him as a fox might regard a wounded bird that had unwittingly fallen into its lap. "Accidents have been known to happen in the fog of war...

"Assassin?" A distant voice called from the courtyard. "Where are you? I have need of your services."

Abruptly that sly smile vanished, as though it had never existed at all.

"Coming, master~!"

With a saucy salute towards Tokiomi, the blond vaulted away and vanished into the aether. The elder Tohsaka watched him vanished and silently stifled a long-suffering sigh. No. Not an oaf, he decided. Someone who was content to play the fool perhaps; yet far, far more dangerous than one was allowed to believe.

Never mind a bloody month, he wasn't sure if his sanity would last the _week_ at this rate.

In no time at all, however, four weeks whisked themselves away.

He'd soon pray for these halcyon days.

* * *

 ** _(...Approximately One Month Later...)_**

* * *

"ARISE!"

At these fateful words the summoning circle before Tokiomi burst into savage scarlet splendor.

Light revealed the darkness, splitting through smoke and shadow alike.

The elder Tohsaka preened, his face aflush with pride. Even then he refused to look away from the form rising out of the smoke; if only to further impress his severity upon Kirei and his attentive Servant. Even now he could feel that insufferable blond bastard smirking at him. No matter! No longer would he be forced to tolerate Assassin and his...eccentricities. No longer did he have to stand by and watch him make the manor his own. No longer would he have free reign to fly in his face and flout the rules of the war.

 _No._

 _Longer._

With the summoning of his Servant, he could at long last put him in his place. At long last he would have mastery over this recalcitrant Servant, would finally bring him to heel. The King of Heroes was a being beyond any hope of compare, an entity of such majesty and power that no one could ever hope to defeat him.

Thus it came as something of a surprise when Assassin started snickering.

Aghast, Tokiomi risked a glance over his shoulder.

Then, slowly, towards the summoning circle.

He had no way of knowing that Assassin's mere presence in this realm had altered the Holy Grail War on a fundamental level; in turn this, the tiniest of ripples, became the mightiest of waves. One change led to another, a being that should not have been called forth by the Grail was, and thus the world changed. But this was not the end, only the beginning. The first domino in a great line, a cascade of events that would consume all of Fuyuki in perhaps the most _mad_ war to ever take place. But Tokiomi knew none of this, indeed, he had no way of knowing. His attention remained fixated on his Servant.

Revealed was the king he sought...

...and yet not.

Not at all.

Crimson eyes framed by a silken curtain of golden hair shone from within a stern visage. Sheathed in resplendent golden armor finely contoured to their form, the Servant nevertheless maintain a regal demeanor. Her-for there could be no mistaking the newcomer as anything but emphatically female-bountiful bosom was not quite revealed to the world, but neither was it concealed. Much to his consternation Tokiomi found it quite visible in spite of the gloom, encased within that golden shell and low-hanging crimson cloak. She didn't seem to care.

Arrogance.

Beauty.

Grace.

She was all these and more; indeed, it wasn't as though she revealed herself to the world, but rather, that she _allowed_ them to bask in the light of her majesty. What little skin remained visible or otherwise uncovered was sheathed in eerie crimson lines-tattoos of some sort perhaps?-suggesting some strange eldritch purpose he couldn't fathom. Though their body was somewhat bare to the elements, still their harsh gaze surveyed the dark room. It took the world in at a glance, and found all beneath wanting.

"Hmmph."

A low laugh sent shivers shooting down his spine.

"I deem your offering sufficient, mage." her voice was charisma personified, even as a cold smile adorned that serene visage. "Be grateful."

In that moment Tokiomi's body betrayed him; he couldn't help but bend the knee when faced with such majesty. Every fiber of his being demanded that he do so; if he did not, he felt he would surely perish on the spot. A sharp, shuddering breath stome out of him, one equal parts relief and fear. This was undoubtedly Gilgamesh. It must be. Tokiomi felt it in his very bones. That "he" had turned out to be a "she" mattered little in the long run. Yes, he convinced himself, this war was still his. Victory had but to be grasped.

"I bid you welcome, King of Heroes."

The woman offered him an indulgent smile.

"You know of me?" the arrogant smile curved further still. "Good. I was prepared to smite you for your ignorance-

Without so much as a warning, Assassin toppled backward, utterly soiling the moment forevermore in the eyes of all present.

"HA!"

Unable to contain himself any longer the whiskered warrior tumbled to the floor, colliding violently with an ancient vase as he fell. It shattered loudly against the unyielding earth, but he paid it no heed. His body shook harshly, great whooping gasps leaving him. To the great dismay of both Masters and Servant alike physically convulsed, such was his mirth.

"THIS is the King of Heroes?! Oh, stop! I can't...this is too much...hahaha!" he hooted, clutching at his ribs, "You've gotta be kidding me!"

"YOU!" Gilgamesh all but bristled with barely-contained anger. "You _dare_ laugh at your king's majesty, mongrel?!"

Behind her the Gate of Babylon swelled open in a dozen rippling portals, each far larger then the last.

Rising, Assassin wiped a mirthful tear from his visage. "What is a king to a god of pranks _-ack?!"_

With a strangled yelp the startled slayer ducked under a towering ax hurtling over his head. A muffled crunch heralded the end of the wall, but Tokiomi paid it no mind. He was far too focused on the comeuppance that the witty warrior was about to experience. Bending backwards, his spine nearly parallel with the ground, the angular Assassin promptly fired off a one-fingered salute toward the irritated Archer.

"Ha!" he crowed, straightening. "Missed me-

CRUNCH.

A great golden sword sheathed itself to the hilt in his stomach, folding him in half. Then momentum seized him and Assassin's body flew, skewering itself against one of the lower basement walls. Despite himself and the distrust he held toward him, Tohsaka winced at the Servant's unseemly demise. That was a lethal wound. Judging by the way his head lolled to on side, the impact had broken his neck as well. Pity. He'd hoped to make at least some use of him before he perished...

Pearly white teeth flashed back at him in the gloom as the "King" of Heroes celebrated her victory. "What is a god to a nonbeliever, mongrel?! What say you to that?!"

Kirei swore.

Unlike Tokiomi he felt some stray semblance of emotion towards his Servant's untimely end. Assassin might have been...unorthodox, but he couldn't claim to have hated him. Then again, he didn't particularly like him or his wild antic either. It was a strange feeling, all things considered. Perhaps, given time, he'd be able to make sense of it. Still, one thing bothered him. By all accounts Assassin was dead. Yet his body hadn't begun to fall apart, as was a Servant's wont once they returned to the throne. Moreover...

...why was his corpse smiling like that?

POOF!

As luck would have it, "Assassin" chose that moment to go up in smoke. Rather than simply dissolve, he wholly ceased to be, vanishing in a plume of white fog. In place of his seemingly eviscerated corpse lay a mangled log, battered and tattered. As all assembled parties looked on it clattered to the floor, revealing a crudely drawn likeness of his visage upon an equally tattered scrap of paper hammered into said log. Under any other circumstance someone would've said something. Balked, even. Kirei himself was half-tempted to offer a prayer in passing.

Someone beat them to it.

 _ **"Still a god, your majesty. Do you believe now?"**_

Rather than make good his chance to escape, Assassin happily bounded down the stairs to join them once more.

Though one hand lay jammed firmly in his pocket, still beckoned towards a somewhat-stunned Gilgamesh.

"Wanna try that again, missy?" He cooed. "I _promise_ to stay put this time. Scout's honor."

The King of Heroes Gilgamesh visibly twitched at this slight against her pride.

"Mongrel...if you wanted to die that badly...YOU NEED ONLY ASK!"

The events that followed could only be called hell.

Not just for those still present...

 _...but their very sanity._

 **A/N: Gilgamesh is here!**

 **And Naruto isn't going to let her have any peace.**

 **Had to save the Saber bit and everything for next chapter. It just felt like we'd be jumping around too much.**

 **So expect a lot of good bits next time~!**

 **Is it wrong that I wonder why I'm here sometimes? Eh, semantics I suppose. The ramblings of a madman. Don't mind me! I'm just having a rough time of things as of late. I've got more surgery and dental work lined up and lord knows how I'm going to pay for them, so there's that.**

 **But enough about me!**

 **Hope you're all enjoying the new year, such as it is.**

 **Writing this with one hand and a broken body/heart so do excuse the typos.**

 **In the end I decided to go the less traveled route with a female Gilgamesh rather than Angelica. If I catch a lot of flak I'll happily change it back, so no worries. Feel free to express your thoughts, opinions, and all that.**

 **I'm always willing to listen to what you have to say.**

 **So in the Immortal Words Of Atlas...**

 **...Revieeeeew, Would You Kindly?**

 **It would mend help my heart.**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **(Previews)**

 _"Where are you going?"_

 _Blue eyes flashed out at him._

 _...for a walk." the words were a laugh._

* * *

 _"Do you wish to die that badly, mongrel?!"_

 _His forehead slammed against hers._

 _Blue bored into crimson._

 _"Bring it on, bitch!"_

 _"Will the two of you cease?!"_

* * *

 _"A king? I never considered myself one."_

 _"Did you lead your people through strife and peace?"  
_

 _"I...well...yes, but its not like I wore a crown or anything."_

 _"...ha! Bahahahaha! Yes! I like that attitude of yours! Come! Join us!"_

 _~A Future Banquet of Kings._

* * *

 _"Servant! By the power of my Command Spell I order you! Kill yourself!"  
_

* * *

 _"Please." the words tumbled out of her. "Help me."_

 _Assassin was silent for a long moment._

 _Tears welled in her eyes._

 _Aoi didn't move. Didn't breathe. She feared the slightest twitch might provoke him, send him spiraling into a rage without end. Even now his broad back trembled, shoulders quivering with silent tension. Anger. He felt betrayed. Of course he did. No one could've predicted this outcome. A lone hand rose, palming his face as he gazed away from her, those sapphire orbs gazing indolently up at the full moon above. Still, he didn't speak, didn't respond to her quiet plea. Perhaps he didn't trust himself to. Quietly, she cursed herself for her weakness. She'd been a fool to confide in him, to hope that he could change things._

 _"I'm sorry," she confessed. "I shouldn't have asked-_

 _He was upon her in an instant, eyes blazing._

 _Strong hands clasped hers._

 _And he answered:_

 ** _"I will."_**

* * *

 _Berserker growled wordlessly._

 _"Oh, this is going to hur-_

 _It did. Horribly._

* * *

 _"Do you fear the reaper?"_

 _Blue eyes boiled black._

 ** _"You should."_**

* * *

 _"From one leader to another, let me give you some advice. Mending your reputation is one thing. But your mistakes? Own them, Saber! Acknowledge them and rise above them. They make you who you are."_

 _"What do you want?"_

 _"Ah, but what does any man want?" her comrade parroted. "To live life to the full-_

 _"What do you **truly** want, Assassin? The truth! None of your word games."_

 _"Ouch. Right to the marrow. You're a cruel one, Saber!"_

 _Artoria growled._

 _"Alright, alright! Geez..._

 _At this sudden inquiry, a painful longing flashed across that young face, so much so that Saber's knees went weak. He didn't snap at her for the interruption. Nor did he cease juggling the knife. Though his eyes never left the lake before them again it flicked out, again the blade missed his fingers by the merest of margins. When next his gaze found hers it seemed older than time itself._

 _"I want you to be better than me, Saber."_

 ** _R &R~!_**


	3. Unlikely Conflicts

**A/N: As ever, reviews feed and sustain my humble existence.**

 **Here you go! OVER SIX THOUSAND WORDS!**

 ***bows***

 **WARNING!**

 **This chapter is told from different perspectives and jumps around a fair bit-for a good reason! On another note I'm s** **orry for holding this one back for so long, I reaaaaally wanted to polish it and get Gilgamesh's attitude down pat. That bugger is HELL to write, yet also so fuuuuuun~!**

 **This chapter just kept growing...and growing...and growing...**

 **I wasn't expecting so many reviews!**

 **Now then, let's answer your questions!**

 **Lots of talking/plotting in this chapter, so be warned!**

 **Q: Is Diarmuid Lancer?**

 **A: I thought about it, I really did, but in the end I decided against it. Just wouldn't work at the moment.**

 **Q: Dear god, a Female Gilgamesh. Not something you see often. Can we see her perspective on things?**

 **A: Its going to be interesting to say the least.**

 **Q: Naruto's mindset in this story?**

 **A: Contrary to popular belief, he's quite sane. He simply doesn't put up with bullshit in this incarnation. Like Kiritsugu, he'd gladly die bearing All the Hatred of the World, but he's all too willing to call someone on their crap; especially if they're being an ass.**

 **Case in point, Tokiomi.**

 **Or Gil.**

 **Q: List of Servants, please!**

 **A: You mean the roster? As I said, most are the same with the exception Assassin and Archer (Obviously!) as well as Lancer and Caster. Caster is a dead giveaway, really, but Lancer...**

 **...its going to shake a lot of people for obvious reasons.**

 **Its not who you expect.**

 **Q: What music do you listen to while you write?**

 **A: You want my playlist, eh? Well, its a lot of stuff accumulated over the years, really. Would believe some of it is smooth jazz? Of course, it varies with the story. For instant, Disturbed's "No More" was really pivotal for this chapter.**

 **Q: How the hell is Aoi in this if she's leaving for the duration of the war?**

 **A: ...I'm going to assume you're not familiar with the events Fate Zero. Recall that Rin comes back on her own and Aoi chases after her.**

 **Q: I see Naruto's already introduced Kirei to spicy food. Can we expect cuisine-related pranks in the future?**

 **A: Need you even ask? =D**

 **Q: How durable is Naruto?**

 **A: Not very. He's a bit of a glass cannon. Strike hard and fast, get the hell out. One slip and he's a dead duck. Recall that Assassin is one of the weakest classes when it comes to endurance. Meaning if someone gets a clean hit in...**

 **...its gonna hurt.**

 **Q: Caster better no be Kaguya.**

 **A: As entertaining as that would be, I think...not. She's been used enough as is.**

 **Q: Naruto and Kiritsugu clash when?!**

 **A: They'll meet...eventually. Can't speak to what may or may not happen.**

 **Q: Seems the "prank" aspect has carried over to our boy's legend.**

 **A: That has, and always will be a part of his legend. His stealth skills are absurd sometimes...when he isn't even trying! This bugger outran ANBU when he was a kid!**

 **Q: Naruto's Noble Phantasms?**

 **A: A reviewer read my bloody mind and listed one already; for the sake of convenience I'll give it a name.**

 **He Who Keeps His Promises.**

 **Essentially a self-geas where any oath Assassin makes to another-unless under duress-becomes binding and has a high probability of being realized. Within reason of course. He cannot claim "I'm going to break the world" and expect it to actually happen. If he wants to "save" someone, he has a good chance of actually doing it. A conditional phantasm to be sure, but one that gives him a rank up to all parameters when inflicted under it. Can only be applied once a day. Does not stack unless certain conditions are met.**

 **And if he breaks his word?**

 **INSTANT rank down to all parameters for a DAY at the very least.**

 **Now at long last, we can begin this mad Grail War...**

 **I'll try to keep it flowing nice and neatly.**

 **This chapter gets...fierce.**

 **Hope you like it~!**

 _"Do you hate me? Fine._

 _Go ahead. Loathe me. Despise me._

 _Give me all your rage, all your anger, all your hatred._

 _Direct all of it at me, and **me** alone. I'll gladly die bearing it all._

 _I'm no hero. Nor am I a villain. In the end, I am only a man, and nothing more..._

 _~An Unlikely Assassin._

 **Unlikely Conflict**

 _Was she cursed or blessed?_

 _Try as she might, Caster couldn't fathom the truth._

 _Surely this must be her own ill-luck; nothing else made sense._

 _Yes, truly, she must have been cursed; there was no other explanation._

 _When she'd answered the summons, she'd expected a decent Master at least._

 _Instead, she'd been summoned by some fool who'd happened upon a moldering book in his attic. A murderer. Someone who delighted in death and torture, causing pain toward others. He might well be insane._ _He wasn't even a magus in a traditional sense-the mere act of maintaining her physical form amounted to the entirety of his skillset-and knew nothing about the world of magic. The pitiful prana he supplied her was sorely lacking in every way. Thus she had been forced to seek sustenance by...less conventional means in the interim. Distasteful means. Means that rankled even her rotten soul._

 _Worse still, Uryu Ryunosuke didn't even understand what the Holy Grail War was. That had been an...arduous explanation._

 _She could kill him of course; nothing simpler. It wouldn't even require any mana on her part. A simple "shove" in the right place would do the trick. In doing so however, she would lose her connection to this world and be forcibly returned to the Throne. That would not do. No, no, no! That simply would not do at all. To be brought back into the world was an opportunity, one not to be wasted._

 _The so-called magi of this era were paltry by comparison._

 _Fools playing with powers they didn't understand._

 _She was a **goddess** among them._

 _So...no. As much as Caster longed to, she would not kill her Master. Not yet. She would wriggle out of this contract the moment a better candidate presented themselves. And when she did, she would turn on him with lethal dispatch. But for now...she would toe the line. Let him prattle on about finding new ways to kill people; he was easy enough to direct when she focused; a nudge was rarely required. In the War to come he might require a firm a hand, but for now, he seemed content to do as he'd been bidden until her return._

 _Someone had already fired the first opening salvo, down by the docks no less, and she was eager to oblige them._

 _Perhaps it had something to do with the unique nature of her summoning, but Caster was feeling bold tonight. If worst came to worst, she'd simply force Ryunosuke to summon her back to his side. Yes. She could do this. Her bumbling fool of a Master was a handicap to be sure, but she had overcome far, far worse in her day. With her fresh "preparations" she could muster a decent bout at least and if need be, retreat to their new base of operations should things turn dire._

 _In this moment, she desired nothing more than a glimpse of her enemies._

 _At these foolish puppets, dancing on strings._

 _Let the games begin._

* * *

 _(...The Tohsaka Manor...)_

* * *

 _Rare._

Hmm. Yes, Gilgamesh decided as she languidly sipped from a purloined bottle of Tokiomi's finest wine, that word described Assassin most aptly. Dare she say it suited him? Upstart that he was, he'd probably take a deep and holy satisfaction in being referred to as such. After all, he took pleasure in a great many things that irked her. The thought caused Gil's drink to curdle in her belly like sour milk. The man was an anomaly to be sure; no slavish trollop he, but rather one who challenged her rule, her life, her very _existence_ simply because it pleased him to do so. Bloody fool.

This only deepened the blonde's ill mood.

Blast it, she would have to do something about that one. If only she knew _what!_

Presently she found herself torn between _annihilating_ him down the last atom, or breaking him and thereby making beholden to her. Decisions, decisions...

Either choice had its merits of course; to kill Assassin would be simple if she exerted some effort. Still, the tantalizing prospect of taming him beckoned to her like a glittering opal. If she was entirely honest with herself, there was something about his stubborn defiance that intrigued her. When pressed, he claimed little of his legend beyond leading his people, and later, dying for them. He seemed oddly bitter about the latter. What had he called the title? Fire Shadow? She knew it not, but by his own account he'd ruled regardless. That elevated his status in her eyes. One king to another.

To make someone like that kneel before her...there could be no greater pleasure.

Ruby orbs narrowed at the thought, full lips quirking in a slight smile.

"But how to go go about it...?" she wondered aloud.

A distant crash answered at that precise moment, causing her ears to momentarily twitch. Likely Assassin putting up another of the "marks" he'd been going on about. The faint sound of muted chuckling merely confirmed her theory and pricked at her wounded pride like a festering thorn. He was doing _something_ of course, and she wanted no part of his schemes. Let that curious priest sort him out...if he hadn't been won over by the blond already.

"Mongrel!" she spat the word like a curse. "What is he up to now?"

Quite abruptly, the laughter abated entirely.

Well! Thank spirits for small miracles.

Sprawling upon a crimson couch Archer swore softly and shifted her weight amidst the cushions to consider the matter further. The dimly lit room in which she'd taken refuge offered little in the way of answers...though it _did_ contain an adequately-stocked wine cellar; if only said wine met her standards. She cared little for the man who had invited her back to this world; indeed, his wine was piss-poor by her reckoning, but at least he had decent taste in upholstery if nothing else. At least Assassin had ceased tearing _this_ room apart in his quest to fortify the Tohsaka manor.

No, not a mongrel as she'd initially surmised then; something different, contrary to hear earlier belief...

...a rebel.

Aha!

 _There_ was the word she sought, one that brought a sneer to her full lips at that.

Dwelling on the matter further, Gilgamesh decided she would _not_ kill Naruto as she'd first intended upon their first meeting; if only because her fellow blond _refused to grant her the opportunity._ Not only did he refuse to engage her in a fair fight, but the few times she'd actually managed to pin him down he would, without fail, substitute himself with a log or-in other infuriating instances!-simply vanish into outright smoke when she got ahold of him! The gall of it all! How was she to exact her vengeance thus?! A king he may well be, but he was afraid to face her...which mollified her rage toward him somewhat. He knew he couldn't match her in battle as he was now. Yes, that soothed her anger.

Not so for one Tokiomi Tohsaka.

That mage-she would NOT call him her Master for she knew not the meaning of the word-had made a worthy offering to bring her into this world and thus, she had responded. She almost wished she hadn't. The man held absolutely no interest for her; because he was planning, planning, always _planning!_ Reach the Root? Bah! Gain all knowledge in the world without ever setting foot on the battlefield? What a coward he was! Eradicating his enemies through duplicity and guile? What need had she of such a paltry desire?!

In another world, an alternate version of herself might well have answered his summons. There were, after all, as many iterations of her-great-self as there were stars in the sky. Old. Young. Wise. Foolish. Male. Female. Perhaps had she been summoned in the Caster-or even as her thrice damned younger self-this wouldn't be an issue.

BUT IT WAS!

Already her superb senses detected the distant presence of Servants gathering from afar; the night was yet young and her blood boiled at the idea of waiting any longer.

So what was stopping her?

With a growl she thrashed upright and flung her empty cup at the wall. It shattered wonderfully, shards of glittering crystal glass ricocheting in every direction. The blond took a moment to acknowledge the broken beauty of it all before rising and pivoting toward he door; her loose white shirt billowed about her, the thick golden necklace dangled about her neck clanking a soft, musical tune as she moved. Sure enough, Assassin had started up again, the telltale crash of furniture and the grinding of metal scraped her already ragged nerves raw.

"Very well! If he insists on making such a ruckus then I shall punish him for it!"

Archer briefly considered summoning her armor but thought better of it; she was quite comfortable as she was now, and had no desire to remove them or these dark pants she'd claimed for herself until she took the field herself. She stole some small solace in the fact that the war had finally begun; tonight she would deign to do battle with here enemies at last. There she could vent her frustrations as she pleased. Hopefully some of them might yet provide some modicum of entertainment-

As if sensing that very thought the door slammed open in her face.

"Found you~!

Unprepared for such an assault Gilgamesh didn't think to defend against it. Nor did she have the chance to escape or raise a shield; what she _did_ have time enough for amounted to little more than a startled yelp, then the battered wood both struck and bodily crushed her against the wall. Pain raged to life in her royal visage, not enough to _hurt_ of course, yet enough to shock her all the same. Rage fled from her thoughts, that brief shock of anger briefly beaten back by surprise seasoned with disbelief.

In all fairness, Assassin hadn't _intended_ to hit her; Archer had simply been standing too close to the door when it crashed open. Furthermore, her fellow blond might have been a tad too...exuberant when he'd kicked said door ajar. It was a misunderstanding plain and simple. Neither party could lay the blame solely at the feet of the either. Naturally, such logic was thrown right out the window. Gilgamesh's pride, already wounded by the blond's brash behavior, burst. Framed in the wan light provided by the candles, Naruto flashed her a sheepish Cheshire grin.

"Sorry...?"

Slowly, ponderously, the door creaked back.

Revealed was Archer's crimson visage. Sure enough, a dangerous scowl had bloomed there.

"DIE!"

At Gilgamesh's command a lone portal shimmered into existence at her back, and she immediately stabbed a hand through. In an instant said hand emerged clutching the haft of a towering barbed mace, one she furiously hurled at his face. T'was a very nice weapon all things considered; as large as she was tall and it fulfilled its purpose fairy well. His head wasn't simply struck from his shoulders so much as it _ceased to exist,_ shattered into a thousand bloody shards of...

...smoke?

Indeed, rather than the blood she'd longed for, she found only a white haze as the specter of her troubles vanished before her eyes. The strange sight caused Gilgamesh t click her tongue in mild exasperation, but quelled her anger nonetheless. She'd lost her temper. Foolish. Killing him now had not been her intention but her pride had cried out and demanded redress. Her pride had demanded it, her very soul cried out against it!

"Whoa!" a sharp, relieved laugh grated on her ears. "Really glad I had a clone open that door! Although...

Before she could think to stop him, he snatched up the last bottle of wine.

"Say, you don't mind if I take this then, do you?"

Her face flamed. "Assassin...no! _Rebel!"_

The word was an absolute hiss.

"Yeeeeess?"

 _"Run."_

* * *

 _(...Tohsaka Estate/Ground Floor...)_

* * *

 _"This indignity will not stand, mongrel!"_

"Tough! All that wine goes straight to your tits anyway!"

"Y-Y-Y-You dare insult my royal bosom?! THIS MEANS WAR!"

Tokiomi bashed his head against the nearest wall he could find. Once. Twice. Thrice. Perhaps if he hit something hard enough he'd finally put himself out of his misery. Perhaps if he downed enough wine he'd cease to care about the chaos raging around them. Perhaps he should just quit the war altogether. Alas, fate wasn't that kind to him, nor was his mind anywhere in the right place. For all his frantic attempts to knock himself out he still found himself still painfully conscious when Assassin and Archer started fighting again.

What had been thinking? He couldn't take another day, not another hour _notanotherminutenotanothersecondoftheseshenanigans!_

Scarcely a day had passed and already Assassin and Archer had fallen into a strange routine of sorts; inevitably, the former would irk the latter, who would then descend upon her fellow blond in a storm of fire and fury, sparing nothing in her path. Said Assassin would then promptly flee the scene, leaving naught but rounded soul-and more than a few shredded bounded fields-in his wake. Really, it was a sound strategy. Naruto knew he couldn't possibly face Gilgamesh in anything resembling a fair fight, but he _could_ escape her wrath whenever he wished.

If there was one area in which the Assassin class prevailed over all others, it was thus:

"RUN AWAY!"

They were very, very, _very_ good when it came to escaping.

...it would appear they're at it again." Kirei offered humbly from a nearby chair.

Tokiomi groaned into his hands.

Another tremor shook the manor and for a brief moment, he actually considered using a Command Spell to make Gilgamesh stop flailing about...though that carried consequences all its own. With each passing moment he felt his plans unravel further. Bah! It no longer mattered! Now that the war had commenced, he would no longer have to tolerate these two on a daily basis. Once night fully descended he could send them out into the fray as he pleased; he didn't care where, so long as they and their madness were far, far, _far_ away from him and Kirei both-

Alas, it was not to be.

The floor ruptured beneath his feet without warning, smoke and debris filled the air, punctuated by the harsh clash of steel and...shattered glass?

 _Oh dear._

"Will the two of you please cease?!" he cried out into the fog! Remarkably, they actually consented to his command judging by the absolute dearth of noise that followed his incredulous shout. Like a recalcitrant child the smoke abated, revealing...

...not at all what poor Tohsaka had expected.

Splat.

It took every fiber of Naruto's being to maintain a straight face; by the looks of it the young man had to forcibly bite his tongue to prevent himself from bursting out into incoherent giggles. Even then his shoulders shook mightily with the force of his contained mirth and a mad cackle threatened to rip past his lips. A lone droplet of blood trailed out of the corner of his mouth as he bit down harder, to no avail. He was going to explode any moment now and

Kotomine didn't blame him.

In all fairness, the King-Queen!-of Heroes had brought this upon herself.

This mustn't register on an emotional level; but a small part of him was almost proud of his Servant. How odd. He actually felt...yes, he was fairly certain this was pride. In someone else, no less. A strange feeling indeed, to be sure. Still, anyone capable of outlasting-or simply evading- Gilgamesh for any length of time was someone to be praised. Even if said someone had spilled wine all over her shirt. Really, Gilgamesh's silence was nigh but comical by comparison, indeed, her face had turned an alarming shade of puce and her armor was already taking shape around her, those full lips parting to fling an insult or worse-

"ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU!" Reinforced with the power of a Command Spell, Tokiomi's voice cracked like mighty thunder between both blonds, causing one to jump and the other to glower at him. "Archer! If you're that eager for battle _would you kindly seek out our enemies and leave my manor out of this spectacle?!_ And you as well, Assassin!" After a moment's pause he carefully amended, "Kotomine, if you would be so kind as to escort them out...?"

The poor priest nearly choked on his own spit at the less-than-subtle order; his ally was well and truly enraged, sparing no thought for decency or decorum...

...or that he'd just spat in the eye of a literal demigod.

"Ho?" a low, silken purr emerged into the silence. "You dare to command me, mongrel?"

Naruto guffawed openly. "Wow. Even _I'm_ not stupid enough to try and order her around. Nice knowing you, Tohsaka."

"Indeed!" the bountiful blond bridled, a lone golden portal appearing over her shoulder. "Perhaps I should simply smite him and be done with it."

"By all means," Assassin stepped aside to clear the way, "Never much liked _goatee_ over there myself. I'd suggest aiming for the balls. Little effort, maximum pain."

"Truly?" the crimson-eyed goddess regarded him curiously...was that a hint of respect glimmering in those ruby red orbs? "Well said! I may have misjudged you after all, Assassin!"

Assassin and Archer each exchanged a heated glance between themselves, their faces replete with dark smiles and murderous intent. Kirei physically shuddered. _Lord above, they'd found common ground._ For a terse, terrifying moment, he experienced true fear, a terror he'd never before known. Nevermind the silent skills of Assassin, _Archer_ was the true threat here, and not one to be trifled with lightly; if provoked she could easily wipe them from the face of the earth. Command Spells meant nothing if one didn't have time to utter them and Tokiomi had just _wasted_ one of his at that.

"Perhaps," he intervened placidly before Gilgamesh could draw that _horror_ out in the world, "He merely meant that your peerless talents would be better spent hunting down those worthy of your attention?"

It was precisely the right thing to say at the right time. Assassin saw through the ruse immediately but said nothing. Archer however paused, considering his words. Weighing them. He could see the pride in her eyes vying with her intense dislike of her Master; waited for the inevitable burst of anger. It never came. Instead, she smiled. It was not a pleasant thing, that smile.

"Hrmmph." she relented, lowering her arm. "That _does_ sound more entertaining than killing this one. The priest is right. Shall we make it a contest then, _rebel?"_

Not one to be outdone, Naruto happily rose to the challenge, those bright blue eyes gleaming with peerless resolve and determination.

"Fine!" he crowed in agreement. "Challenge accepted~!"

The Queen of Uruk sneered back at him.

"Victory will be mine!"

* * *

 _(...One Hour Later...)_

* * *

...it was, all things considered, a poor choice of words on Tokiomi's part.

"Seek out your enemies" was a very broad order on Tohsaka's, one that left ample room for interpretation from Gilgamesh.

Naruto, bound by no such order proved just as elusive.

True to their natures, both Archer and Assassin managed to track down enemy Servants with relative ease. _Unfortunately_ they'd hit upon the same location and the spirit of competition burned would not stand for anything less than overwhelming victory. That alone proved problematic enough for Kirei, who found himself tasked with make certain they didn't squabble with one another. As if he could possibly hope to stop Assassin without use of a Command Spell! He only had three of those, and he was loathe to use them unless his life demanded it.

That was...unlikely, given the beautiful catastrophe unfolding before him.

It had come of something of a surprise when they'd reached the docks only to find not one, not two, but three Servants already present.

Stranger still, they weren't fighting.

They seemed to be...

 _...talking?_

Carefully out of sight, he nevertheless observed them as he'd been instructed. Caution was paramount. Assassin had all but refused to "die" at Archer's hand, thus the remaining Masters were likely wary. That strange one down there, that woman clad in white, was likely the exception. Were her own Servant not so close, he would've targeted her. As it stood, he had nothing to gain and everything to lose from such an assault...

"Well, the big one's definitely Rider. Chariot's a dead giveaway. Orders, Master?"

Kirei needn't glance back to known Assassin had materialized at his side to deliver this information. What troubled him was the sudden absence of Archer. Sure enough, she had all but vanished back into the _aether_ the moment he'd taken his eyes off her. To be expected, he supposed. She wasn't the sort to attack without announcing herself. Naruto, however...who knew? He didn't seem the sort to fly off the handle, but he had yet to see his Servant engage in any true sort of combat; at least, one that didn't involve running from Gilgamesh.

Risking a glance over his shoulder, he found himself momentarily alarmed.

Assassin wasn't smiling anymore.

Not in the least.

Those keen blue eyes lay hooded on the scene before them, stained the faintest shade of gold, irises little more than horizontal slits. Taut fingers curled restlessly at his sides, clenching into clawed fists, idly palming a host of knives and other assorted weaponry from his sleeves, only to shatter them and repeat the process anew. He stood on a razor's edge, all of an instant from leaping into the fray.

...surely you're not thinking of going down there alone." Kirei frowned. "You'll be slaughtered."

"Maybe." the blond offered a small, defiant shrug in response. "Maybe not."

A knife snapped into his hand and was summarily crushed.

"The little one in armor seems...familiar, somehow." he tilted his head, considering the combatants below. "But that Lancer, and it _is_ Lancer...there's just something about that one that sets me on edge."

"Their weapons?"

A nod.

"I'd rather not get hit by those spears. They feel...wrong. And that girl...

"You know her?"

Assassin's reply was lost in the thunder that followed.

"Saber! Lancer! The duel between you two was truly magnificent! Yes! Magnificent indeed!" Rider's rich, booming words rose up to greet them like the voice of Zeus himself, shaking heaven and earth. "I cannot be the only one who was drawn out here by the clear sound of your blades clashing! Ha! Surely not!" As Master and Servant looked on aghast, the great hero thrust his fists to the skies and belted out a hearty laugh. "Heroic spirits, summoned through the Holy Grail! Gather here and now! Those too cowardly to show themselves will earn the scorn of Iskandar, King of Conquerors!"

Naruto twitched.

"Cowardly, am I? Well, well, well...

In that moment Kirei experienced a sudden and profound epiphany.

Assassin and Archer may have their differences, but they were still Servants at their core. They were beings who had carved their deeds-their very souls-into legend since time immemorial. They had their pride. Dulled by time and today's events perhaps, but pride all the same. Iskandar's declaration just now was the spark that lit the fire to blaze it anew. It was simply too much to hope that neither would rise to the bait. In that moment, Master and Servant's eyes met.

"Don't you do it."

A rueful grin greeted him. "Imma do it."

With a light laugh he disregarded Kirei entirely and leaped down from their shared perch upon a battered cargo container to hurl himself down into the brewing conflict below.

"What was that about being a coward, Rider?!"

"Oho!" the redhead's reply proved loud and immediate. "There's one already!"

Nor was he the only one to accept the King of Conquerors invitation for that matter.

A swirl of amber heralded Gilgamesh's arrival mere moments after Naruto's less-than-stellar response; true to form the proud Archer laid claim to a flickering lamppost above all the assembled Servants, perching serenely atop its flickering edifice. Naturally all eyes turned towards this great gilded golden hero of yore, arms folded before her bosom as she preened above them.

"In a single night," she ground out through clenched teeth, "Two insolent knaves have dared to call themselves kings in my presence. You would do well to hold your tongue."

You are mistaken!" Rider retorted glibly. "I'm Iskandar, the legendary King of Conquerors himself."

"Nonsense." The Ruler of Uruk remained unmoved from her perch, her peerless countenance never once flinching in the face of Rider's rude rebuttal. "I am the one and only Heroic spirit in this heaven and earth. The rest of you, exempting that whiskered fool down there, are merely a bunch of mongrels. And even he is little more than a rebel."

 _"Hey!"_

"In that case why don't you name yourself?" Iskandar challenged. "No true king would be ashamed of their own name."

None noticed Saber's flinch.

Gilgamesh, however, bristled.

"Are you questioning me _...mongrel?"_

Kotomine slapped a hand to his forehead with an audible smack; he knew at once what was about to transpire, but again found himself powerless to do anything but watch. Worse, some small dark and secret part of him actually took _pleasure_ in the hell that was about to be unleashed. Nothing short of Tokiomi directly recalling her to his side would stop Archer now; and Tohsaka could not, would not, dare not after he'd already expended one this evening. It might even lead to her turning on him in recompense for his temerity.

"If you cannot discern my identity even in the presence of my glory," she hissed, a pair of twin portals blooming above her shoulders, "Then your ignorance shall result in your death-

"Her name's Gilgamesh, by the way." Naruto put in pleasantly. "Her class is Archer."

Archer rounded on him, her diatribe falling short.

 _"You dare, Assassin?!"_

All eyes turned to Kirei's Servant, nearly forgotten with the arrival of Archer. No more. Crossing both arms behind his head, the young man-and Kirei could've sworn this was directed at him-offered no consideration for his ally beyond raising a lone finger in a saucy salute. Gilgamesh all but hissed.

"There will be a reckoning for this, you...!"

"What can I say?" he chuckled. "S' fun to the take the wind out of your sails. While we're on the topic of introductions, I suppose I should give mine. So! In that order!" bringing his arms forward, scarred palms collided in a sharp clap. "Uzumaki Naruto, former leader of the Hidden Leaf Village, and now of the less-than-pleasant Assassin class at your service. Nice to meet ya'll. Anyone else want to chime in?"

A swirl of shadow actually answered him.

 _"I was joking!"_ he cried!

Could light be dark?

The rising figure before them could only be described as such; an armored knight sheathed in a writhing black shroud that clung to every fiber of his form. Utterly indistinguishable behind the dark veil, that lone red visor leering out at all assembled. A wordless growl fled from its helm as it rose on bent knee, wholly unintelligible to all present. That curved helm turned with eerie speed, searching-and finding-Gilgamesh amongst the others assembled. In her frazzled state, Archer looked all of an instant from unleashing the full might of the Gate of Babylon upon all of them, Assassin included.

With this newcomer's arrival, six of the seven Servants had assembled; it was a touch alarming, actually. They were only missing-

A grim smile flashed out in the gloom.

"Mind if I cut in?"

 _'Why me?!'_

All eyes turned upward.

In hindsight, it wasn't at all surprising that this one was flying.

If anything, they were downright foolish to make themselves known.

Yet the final Servant had announced themselves regardless, supreme in their confidence.

One could attribute her gaudy appearance to that of a witch of sorts. Concealed in a hooded purple robe, much of her face lay hidden from view, strands of pale blue hair escaping the hood to stir in the breeze. She seemed an exceedingly beautiful woman from what little he could glimpse of her, yet that beauty did little to lessen her own frightening so her smile. A small smirk dominated the lower half of her visage, a cruel smile that not only bespoke of great confidence in her abilities but thought precious little of her opponents. The twisted dagger lurking in her right hand set him on edge in the worst way.

"I do hope I'm not interrupting." she purred; it was a soft melodious sound, rife with the false promise of betrayal. "I simply couldn't stay away. Not with so many of you...here."

His eyes raked across the assembled Servants.

This, then, could only be Caster.

"Oh, HELL no."

Remarkably it was Assassin who spoke first, his eyes wide.

That wasn't fear Kirei saw in his eyes, or even mindless rage; just simple, hopeless resignation; the acknowledgement that he'd finally bit off far more than he could chew. Everyone was here. Saber. Lancer. Rider. Archer. Berserker. And now, Caster. No matter what happened here, no matter who attacked first, no matter the cause, all hell was going to break loose. Someone _would_ die tonight that much was certain; it only remained to be seen who would fall first. What sides would be chosen? Who would make the first move? The answer came soon enough.

Caster turned on Assassin.

"Whatever is the matter, sweet boy?"

Naruto grimaced. "Alright, she's fucking terrifying. Can I opt out of this, Master? Please?"

As if sensing that very thought, the black knight rounded on him with a hiss. Perhaps the black knight recognize the blond as a threat; perhaps he was simply the closest target. Perhaps he'd simply failed to notice Saber in all of the confusion. Perhaps Naruto just had horrible luck. That black knight must be a Berserker. Every other class was filled. Assassin wasn't equipped to fight something like that head on. Or was he?

Kirei actually considered his Servant's plea...for a heartbeat. Then said Servant opened his mouth.

"No! Bad Berserker! Don't look at me! Go after somebody else, damnit!"

Oh, dear. He _really_ didn't want to fight that one.

From a tactical standpoint it would be best to retreat; consequences be damned. But he was feeling strangely spiteful at the moment, you see. Really, this was all Assassin's fault. Not only had he antagonized Archer but he'd-knowingly or not-drawn both Berserker and Caster here, to the docks. If not for his presence, they might well have stayed away. And now he wanted to retreat? No, his decision was made. His Servant could stand to suffer a bit, and perhaps be humbled in the process. Did he take pleasure from this? Perhaps, perhaps not. No. Wait. He told a lie. _He did._

"Have fun, Assassin."

Naruto swore. "BASTARD!"

Then hell descended upon him.

 **A/N: Yup, Berserker went after Naruto.**

 **Yes, I know this chapter wasn't from Naruto's perspective. Next chapter will be!**

 **There we have it.**

 **Battles aplenty next chapter!**

 **Its going to be one hell of a brawl!**

 **Weren't expecting that Caster were you?! Ha!**

 **You thought it would be Giles but it was HER all along! Ought to be obvious who she is. (X_X)**

 **She's very much an enemy in this, and DEADLY AS ALL HELL for obvious reasons. Certainly moreso than Gilles!**

 **The whole Aoi bit will be later as well, seeing as precious little time has transpired between this chapter and the last. I'm sure you guys and gals are going to savor every bit of it. That aside, writing Gilgamesh is a treat, especially the female version. The original all but said he could be summoned as any class after all.**

 **Who is to say a female version isn't kicking around somewhere?**

 **Knowing the Nasuverse I'm honestly surprised this hasn't happened yet, especially given the chaos of Grand Order and other iterations. Though we did get Angelica at one point, so who knows?**

 **Writing this with one hand and a broken body/heart so do excuse the typos.**

 **I'm always willing to listen to what you have to say.**

 **Sooooo in the Immortal Words Of Atlas...**

 **...Revieeeeew, Would You Kindly?**

 **It would mend help my heart.**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **(Previews)**

 _"Ha! You say you are not a king because you fell on the field of battle?! That makes you a true king indeed!"_

 _Naruto palmed his face and groaned._

 _"For crying out loud...I'm just no good with loud people..._

* * *

 _"Your Noble Phantasm..._

 _Much to Kirei's intrigue, Assassins's splendid smile soured._

 _"Don't ask me to use it. I am...not particularly fond of what it does to me."_

 _"Surely it cannot be that bad. I can't see you holding something like that back out of petty spite."_

 _Naruto clicked his tongue. "Well...in a word?" the blond's expression turned decidedly pointed. "Its an absolute murder machine."_

* * *

 _"You're a fool."_

 _"I'd rather die a fool than a villain."_

* * *

 _Archer stepped back slowly, taking her hand from his head._

 _...you do realize that this means war, rebel."_

 _To his credit, Assassin didn't respond; not at first. She'd credit him for that much. He knew precisely what he was getting into with her, yet he didn't show so much as an ounce of fear. Nay, he seemed emboldened by her claim. Were it not for the sword cradled lazily in her right hand she suspected he would've been more impertinent still. Sure enough, as she looked on a broad smile bloomed upon his whiskered visage. And then._

 ** _And then:_**

 _Naruto was off, shooting out the door like an arrow loosed from a bow._

 _"Catch me if you can, sugar lips!"_

 _"I WILL MURDER YOU!"_

 ** _R &R~!_**


	4. Unlikely Memory (Interlude)

**A/N: Went back and tacked on some more content since everyone seems so upset with this chapter.**

 **Also, to dispel the confusion. Saber is SABER and that's that.**

 **That was a typo, but apparently it ticked off some fans.**

 **Jeez, the silence hurts, you know?**

 **I LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!**

 **REVIEWS FEED MY ETERNAL ENGINE OF CREATION!**

 **Of course, you don't have to. They simply** **feed and sustain my humble existence.**

 **(EDIT!) I've made some minor changes to the last chapter, nothing major, just streamlined a few things. It also explains why Naruto starts off this chapter by fighting Lancelot. Hmm. Suppose I've been on a Fate kick lately, but I can't say I regret it. There's just something so very entertaining about this little series-even if A Most Unlikely Lancer got panned-and everyone seems to enjoy it so. Who am I to refuse?**

 **As always I own NOTHING beyond this story idea.**

 **Now onto your questions!**

 **Q: How strong is Naruto in this? I mean, he IS in the weakest class...does he have any skills to keep himself in a fight?**

 **A: Two words.**

 **Battle.**

 **Continuation.**

 **To be fair, if you give Assassin!Naruto the time to set up beforehand he will RUIN you. Why? Because he doesn't fight fair. Hiraishin is a right bitch to fight against in its basic state, but here? Its literally his main strength as Assassin.** **Even then he has to mark an area-which takes time-extensively beforehand if he wants to teleport freely-u** **nless he uses his Noble Phantasm. Moreover, if you don't get his head quickly, he can heal, though its very mana intensive. And if he has a chance to pull out his ace...**

 **As he said, his Noble Phantasm is a slaughterhouse.**

 **Some Servants are just a bad match for him, like Lancelot-thanks to his armor-and Iskandar who can outright bury him with numbers. Moreover, Naruto despises the fact that he's been forced into the Assassin class, because it weakens him extensively. Now I could give you more stats, but you came here for a story, did you not?**

 **Q: Who the devil is Lancer?! You said it'd be a surprise!**

 **A: I did, didn't I? Naruto didn't get a very good look at them, but in this chapter, well...**

 **Q: WHO IS WHO?!**

 **A: Again, have DELIBERATELY avoided naming Lancer until this very moment. I've only used their given title. Now they're revealed, so hang onto your hats~!**

 **Q:...did...did Naruto just piss off every other Servant?**

 **A: Well he certainly hasn't made any friends for himself, has he?**

 **Now at long last, we can continue this mad Grail War...**

 **I'll try to keep it flowing nice and neatly.**

 **This chapter gets...fierce.**

 **Hope you like it~!**

 **Obvious quote is obvious~!**

 _"I know what I was FEELING but what the hell was I thinking?!"_

 _~An Unlikely Assassin._

 **Unlikely Memory (Interlude)**

 _"I'm gonna diiieeeeeee~!"_

Assassin ducked, dove, dodged, and darted for his very life. Death was but half a step behind. Shadow chased shadow. Every movement on his part was that of a killer, silence personified and absolutely lethal, yet try as he might he couldn't penetrate the defenses of his pursuer. A storm of armored blows rained down on him like a waterfall and he didn't dare block any of them head-on lest he be torn apart; the best he could do was deflect with his knife to ensure none touched him, deflect each at the very last moment; shunt the momentum aside and strike when a gap presented himself.

If only he'd had time to mark this area...!

Perhaps had he been summoned in another class, Naruto might've been confident enough to tackle this enemy head on as he had done in his first lifetime. As it stood he was one solid hit from being rendered a red smear on the docks. Agility alone had saved him thus far but no longer; now it was that same speed that was getting him beaten into the ground. Even with Sage Mode he doubted his ability to handle the black knight for more than a handful of seconds, and that wasn't something he was willing to resort to unless he absolutely had to.

The realization was galling; it rankled his pride on every level. His legend was to blame for this, the truth warped into fiction. At his peak, with all his power available to him, maybe.

Now?

He was just a simple Assassin! How the hell was he supposed to deal with this?!

Of course, that's not to say he didn't fight back.

His was a killer's stride, unsightly, unseemly, each strike meant to cripple and maim the Servant before him. A small, distant part of him was aware of the other Servants and their own battles-but even that brief moment of inattention nearly cost him an eye as he risked a glance at them. A small figure cannoned into Caster, drawing her away with a yelp _-yike!_

Berserker ripped a lamp post from the ground and Naruto took that moment to mark him dead in the chest. He was nearly brained for the effort. Well. At least he'd accomplished that much; now he just had to send him somewhere before the man's magic resistance washed the mark away But where could he send him? He'd only marked Tokiomi's estate. Somehow, sending Berserker there didn't seem like a wise idea. Parrying a raged swipe, he cut down at the knight's legs, forcing a brief backpedal from the knight, but only just. No, he had nowhere to send him. Not yet. And the bastard knew it.

"Don't you ever quit?!"

Berserker flew at him in response with a wordless roar.

Raving and raging across the battlefield without a care for anyone beyond themselves, the Black Knight managed to match him step for impossible step, dancing around some strikes and barreling through others as though they were naught but scratches. All the while that eerie red visor never looked away from him even for a moment. Who was behind that helm? He may as well have been wielding a twig against them for all it mattered against Berserker's mist-shrouded armor.

He.

Just.

Didn't.

Have it.

Despite all his skill, the whiskered warrior soon found-and realized-that he sorely lacked the strength of the other classes. No matter how sharp his kunai might be, without they couldn't penetrate that armor. For all his roaring this creature of dead dread pursued him relentlessly, its body bending at impossible angles to strike at him, using everything within arms reach to hammer through his defenses. No, he couldn't win like this. He'd been a fool to think he could. Fine. Time to use that blood-soaked legend to his advantage.

 _'Sorry, Lee.'_ he hummed. _'I'm going to take a page or two from your playbook, here.'_

"Hey, big guy!" A hand snapped up in a single finger salute. "You suck!"

A lamp-post immediately sailed his away

Perhaps sensing his intentions, the maddened warrior closed the distance between them. This time, Naruto didn't try skitter back again. Palming a fresh brace of kunai to his right hand he flung them upward on after the other, hurling them into the skies in a mad display of faux-juggling. If one could call blindly throwing knives into the sky any sort of juggling. Nearly a dozen in all, each marked dagger spun wildly into the sky. A baffled Berserker followed them with a tilt of his head, unable to understand their purpose.

 **"Hrrrrrrr?"**

And in that brief moment of inattention, Naruto struck.

In a brief blaze of gilded gold the blond _blurred._ Berserker tensed immediately, too little, too late. An armored heel cannoned into his chin from bellow with every bit of power his pitiable strength stat possessed. Somehow it was enough. Caught unawares by the sudden assault the dark knight was unable to properly ground himself in time and it proved his undoing. Momentum seized him and he rocketed upward to join those whirling knives Naruto had unleashed only moments before. That ghastly red visor regarded them in confusion, then comprehension.

Something bright danced in his peripherals and the mad knight twisted about in the air in a wild attack, to no avail.

"Nothing personal, kid." Assassin hummed in his ear. "But I just can't beat you in a fair fight. So I'm going to cheat. _Shamelessly."_

He might be a formidable warrior on the ground, but in the air, with naught but his fists to avail him and no weapon in hand, he found himself alarmingly vulnerable. With a jarring shriek, something struck out at him from below, furthering his flight. A flicker of concern etched itself through his Madness Enhancement as a red blossom of agony bloomed below his shoulder and he struck out, only for a mailed fist to pierce empty air. Blue eyes gleamed at him in the dark as Lancelot glimpsed another knife in his hand as they fell, no...two...four...six...

Then his world dissolved into steely stream of silver and gold.

His body responded instinctively, turtling up and curling inward on itself lest his foe land a lethal blow. It didn't spare him his wounds. Not this time.

Assassin didn't relent for a moment; he knew where to strike now, snapping between knife after knife, raining down blow after blow on Berserker, never giving the knight a chance to truly counterattack in any meaningful fashion. He liked to think that he was making progress; that he was putting a dent in this unstoppable mountain of an opponent. Slowly chipping away at that hazy armor by slashing him at the joints, striking where his defenses were their weakest, using the lack of terrain to his advantage even as the ground rapidly rushed up to greet them-

And then Berserker surprised him.

In a startling show of clarity the black knight straightened and _kicked_ against his chest before he could flicker to another knife, using him as an impromptu springboard. Freed from the tumbling cage of knives he slammed headlong into the ground in a ponderous plume of dust and debris. And for a moment, just a moment, the world held its breath. Alighting in a pointed crouch, Naruto stumbled away from the earthen tomb the crazed knight had created for himself. If he was lucky, Berserker might have just knocked himself out.

'Please let me be that lucky, please let me be that lucky, please let me be that lucky _pleasepleaseplease..._

"There," he rasped, coughing harshly as the last of his thrown knives clattered quietly around his feet. "Did you like that?"

A low growl rose behind him in the rubble, as deep and dark as hatred itself. It almost sounded like a word. **"Annn...oooy...iiing...!"**

Naruto narrowly managed to swear before Berserker burst from the ground, grabbed him by the face, and bore him down into the bedrock.

"You can't be a Berserker!" he snarled up at his aggressor. "You're too skilled! Just who the hell are you?!"

 **"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRTHUUUUUUUUR!"** came the answering roar!

 _"Oh, c'mon!_ _That's not your name and I know it!"_

An armored hand found Naruto's throat and began to squeeze. In a desperate burst of furious effort the blond jerked an arm free to smash a half-formed Rasengan into the knight's gut. Berserker barely flinched. Another palm wrapped around the blond's throat and his world began to go black. Black spots swam across his vision. Blue eyes bulged. Thrashing upright, he rammed a chakra-coated heel into the Servant's helmet. Those inky fingers only intensified their grip even as he fought to pry them off. Fine, then.

Time for the reserves.

Leagues away a pair of passive clones-that he'd stashed in the Tohsaka manor for just such an occasion-vanished and his eyes boiled gold. They'd spent the better part of three days gathering and diluting Sage Chakra for him. Now it flooded his veins all at once, turning his gaze the color of poisoned honey. A small smile twisted his whiskered face and for one sweet blessed moment he was able to batter down the wall holding him back and draw on the full breadth of his might. Somewhere in his peripherals he thought he saw Kirei slump, and realized he'd taken too much from him already. _Thirty seconds._ Any longer and he risked burning through him.

 **"GET! OFF!"**

Unyielding boots cannoned up into Berserklot's chest to launch him away like a roaring missile. His back struck a shipping container, denting the metal as he alighted in a pointed crouch. Given time he might've recovered enough to go on the attack again. Naruto didn't give him that chance. Bounding after him he smashed a knee into the knight's hidden face, wedging him further against the metal. A stray spark of scarlet etched itself into his side as the knight drove a stolen knife into his hip with a red wrench of motion but he grit his teeth and hammered down on his head with both hands.

 _Twenty seconds._

"I!

 _Whack!_

"Have had enough!"

 _Whack!_

"Of your bloody blasted _bullshit!"_

 _Whack!_

Blow after empowered blow barreled into the struggling Servant beneath him. Armor yielded with a ponderous squeal, warping and denting with every hit. He daren't stop. He couldn't. The slightest opening would be all Berserker needed to regain the upper hand; and once he had it again, he was finished.

 _Ten seconds._

In a final desperate act, Berserker tried to summon his blade again but Naruto wrenched it out of his grasp and sheathed it in his stomach with a vicious flourish. The Black Knight howled at him as steel parted and flesh tore, but didn't slow in the least; he only roared like a mad dog, an angry beast clawing at his face even as dark blood bubbled between the cracks of his sundered helm. Freeing an arm, Naruto reared back, another Rasengan already snarling in his outstretched palm, ready to bring it down on the knight's head-

Medea chose that moment to strike.

Seeing him distracted, the witch saw an opportunity and took it. She was one of the few Servants who possessed aerial superiority in this war. Assassin never heard her coming. Breaking off her brief battle with Rider-and no doubt believing her target distracted-she lunged at Naruto's back with a single-minded tenacity, dagger cocked and ready to drive itself into his shoulder. Perfect. The fool never saw her coming. She only needed to cut him but once and she'd have herself another ally-

A silent scythe burst from her back like a fisherman's hook, drawing her to a juddering halt.

"What...?"

In disbelief she gaped at the blood on her fingers, the crimson stains etched into her palms, grasping at the curved edge even now protruding from her lower stomach. No. It wasn't going to end like this. Surely it was not the end. She'd survived worse wounds than this.

She refused to let herself die like this.

She'd only just been summoned after all.

She still had so much to do! So very much to do...!

Before she could react appropriately-much less marshal all her scattered thoughts-her attacker ruthlessly ripped their weapon free. With nary a cry, the once conspiring Caster found herself unceremoniously thrown across the wharf and into the water. She was still struggling to revert to spiritual form as she sank below the waves.

Without so much as a passing, glance the wielder of said scythe turned on Assassin.

...your back was wide open again, Naruto." A low, monotone voice whispered in his ear. "You should be more careful."

At some unseen command from his Master, Berserker took that moment to retreat as well, ripping the blade from his mangled torso to leap away in a swirl of blue-black mist. No doubt he'd return to the fray momentarily, yet Naruto could scarcely bring himself to notice his escape. Golden eyes faded back to dull azure as he rounded on his would-be rescuer, target momentarily forgotten while he gazed down at his would be savior. Battles still raged around them yet somehow, he couldn't bring himself to move when faced with those eyes.

Blank amethyst orbs gazed back up at him beneath a hood of black framed by silver.

At first glance from a distance he'd thought that strange weapon of hers was not one, but two. How wrong he'd been. At such close proximity was a single scythe, all black and purple, like its wielder's hair. Those strange violet tresses framed a young face from which strangely familiar eyes shone before tapering off in a bound braid at her back. She scarcely came up to his chest, yet even then the blond bristled at the sight of her, this odd girl barely a step out of childhood. All told she was, well to put it plainly _...small._

Downright fragile at a glance.

She was just a girl.

 _And yet...!_

There was something undeniably familiar about her. Almost undeniably so. Like a dream forgotten upon waking, gone, but still there. He'd never laid eyes on this girl in his life. Yet for some reason she'd stepped in to save him. Why? He wanted to say something-anything!-yet the words turned to ash in his mouth and he found himself unable to say the words he wanted. Pain flared in his skull but he couldn't raise an arm. Her could only look at her, just stare, despite the confusion roiling within him. Instead all that emerged was a confused croak:

"I don't get it." even his tongue felt slow, sluggish beneath her glare. "Why did you save me?"

"Because you look just like _him."_ the young lancer began to circle him every movement coiled like a viper. All the while she considered him with that strange, pensive expression. "I thought you _were_ him. But you're not, are you? You're an Assassin this time." She looked away and just like that he could move again. He made it all of three steps before those eerie orbs pinned him again. "How sad." her head tilted curiously, regarding him as one might a prime cut of fresh meat. "You're actually vulnerable to my eyes, aren't you? I could kill you now. Maybe I should. It would be easier that way. My Master would like that."

Yet in spite of her threat, something stayed the girl's scythe.

...no." she shook her head slowly, stubbornly. "I can't."

A graceful gloved palm rose, covering her eyes.

 ** _"Why did it have to be you?!"_**

Assassin took that opportunity to surge forward, willing his stiff muscles to respond, no matter how reluctant they were to answer the call. Not to attack, but just to get past her. Away from her, and the strange miserable feeling welling up in his soul. Whomever this girl was, whomever she claimed to be, she was a bad match given his class. He needed to retreat, find a better vantage point. But more than that, he wanted to know just who the devil this girl was. Something. Anything. What had she meant by an "eye" affecting him?

"Goodbye, Naruto." Lancer smiled mournfully at him and stepped away into the mist. "It was nice seeing you again. Even if it wasn't you."

"Wait!" He reached for silhouette, even knowing that it was far, _far_ too late to catch her. "Who are you?!"

"You already know." she sang back. "Farewell. I hope we don't meet again."

Still, he clawed out at her, trying-flailing to reach her.

Her name came to him, then.

A forgotten whisper.

 _...Medusa?"_

Imagine his surprise then when his hand actually closed around her wrist and stopped her dead in her tracks. Amethyst orbs widened to the size of dinner plates. He hadn't expected to reach Lancer with his wounds, much less catch her while his body moved in such an encumbered state. _She_ clearly hadn't expected it either. Thus when his fingers wrapped around that slim forearm, she didn't resist as effectively as she might have otherwise had she possessed her full set of wits. Instead, the petite Lancer managed only a soft, startled:

 _"Hweh?!"_

Those wide mystic eyes grew wider still, effect all but forgotten in her confusion as he hauled her into his arms.

"Let go of me, you idiot!" she wailed, thrashing in his grasp like a feeble little snake. "You weren't supposed to grab me! _Let go!"_

"Like hell I'm letting you run away, runt!" Naruto only tightened his hold, refusing to release her from his furious embrace. Instinct seized him and he squeezed her harder when she threatened to break free, pinning both arms to her sides. Something told he absolutely could not allow Lancer to get away now, that she'd meet a horrible fate if he did. "Who are you?! Why do I know your name?!"

"Nooo~!" her head slammed against his nose, bloodying it with a grunt. "I won't tell you! You can't make me!"

Her jerked her closer still when she kicked out against him. "Start talking. _Now."_

Lancer grew pale at these words, her lips trembling.

To her credit, she lasted all of thirty seconds.

 _Then she folded like a wet paper bag._

 **A/N: Medea ain't dead.**

 **Horribly wounded perhaps, but not dead.**

 ***collapses from complete and utter exhaustion***

 **Felt good to write this chapter from Naruto and Lancer's perspective.**

 **I had a blast writing this chapter-interlude?-but the** **battle isn't over. It kicks into high gear next chapter.**

 **Consider this a teaser of sorts, because I'm sodding tired.**

 **The Lancer of this war is none other than Young!Medusa as seen in Fate Grand Order. My team and I deliberated long and hard on this for a long time, which was part of what held this chapter up in the interim. We didn't want to use Diarmuid, frankly, that's been done, but we wanted a character that people would be invested in. Someone to root for, yet someone who wouldn't hesitate to fight it pressed for it. A lot of the other options were being used already, so we opted for the route less traveled.** **She's also connected-in a sense-to A Most Unlikely Saber...**

 **...but not as Lancer. Or a Rider.** **One of the previews below is a HUGE hint towards that.**

 **Now I'm hobbling off to work, and I look forward to reading your reviews~!**

 **I'm always willing to listen to what you have to say.**

 **Sooooo in the Immortal Words Of Atlas...**

 **...Revieeeeew, Would You Kindly?**

 **It would mend help my heart.**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **Also, a homage.**

 **(Previews)**

 **Teasers are teasers!**

 _"Good girl."_

 _Medusa hummed as he patted her head, but those solemn eyes never wavered._ _"You don't remember me, do you?"_

 _Naruto's jaw clicked shut._ _"No. Have we met before?"_

 _The little lancer considered him for a moment before her tiny shoulders drooped._ _"Not in this war. The last time we met you had a sword and I was...bigger. I still can't remember how that ended."_

 _A blond brow rose._ _Was that the ghost of a smile just now? And did he glimpse **scales** on her arm? "How big?" he croaked._

 _A small smile plucked at the corner of her mouth._ _"MUCH bigger."_

* * *

 _"I don't think you understand what's going on here. This is my world. And I've got a surprise for you."_

 _Berserker glimpsed a brief glimmer of light in the dark, heard the clatter of a thousand knives being flung in a thousand directions. A cut opened against his armor and he spun, striking wildly into the black. Another tear opened across his back and he cried out, slashing wildly out to no avail. Dark laughter rippled out after him._

 _"I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with me!"_

* * *

 _"Be prepared."_

 _"Prepared for what?"_

 _The Servant sneered. It was all teeth. "For the death of a king."_

* * *

 _Assassin quirked a brow._

 _"Why, Kirei~! I think I'm actually starting to like you."_

 _The priest absently flicked a black key at his Servant. "Shut up."_

 _"Aha!" Naruto crowed. "I knew it! You do care! I'm finally getting through to you!"_

* * *

 _"Get me out of this and I'll give you a treasure you've never seen before!"_ _Gilgamesh twitched. Gotcha._

 _"W-Well, I suppose it cannot be helped." she muttered, recovering in an instant. "Yes!" her voice boomed, pride mollified by what she-falsely-believed to be a show of weakness. "It cannot be helped, Assassin! You're just not cut out for a battle like this! Allow me to help you!"_

 _"Aaaand she's easily manipulated. Good to know."_

 ** _R &R~!_**


	5. Unlikely Rampage

**A/N:** ***EDIT***

 **TROLLS ARE BACK.**

 **Look at the reviews if you don't believe me.**

 **I'm so very, terribly tired of them, but no one seems to care.**

 **Well, no one seems to be reviewing, even though I posted this hours ago?**

 **Yet the notification for the story only just showed up now apparently? What's wrong with the site?**

 **Lack of reviews really hurts ya know, it tends to drive me right back into hibernation and away from everyone.**

 **Well, I did take a break from my Fate stories for a bit. I** **Updated some Game of Thrones, a bit of Justice League, other odds and ends.** **And I got. Bloody. Bombarded. Complaints! Threats! Angry fan mail!** **Its only been three days! Yeesh! Fine, fine, here's another chapter.** **Aaaaaaaaaaand A Most Unlikely Drifter got shredded. On the plus side, recent updates have flushed out some of the actual trolls with an account, one of whom not only hit me with some nasty words, but blocked me and prevented me from replying to them. Then they turned right around and did it again with another account. Rude, much?**

 **I got a bunch of them taken down in any case.**

 **For the sake of decency-because I actually have some unlike these trolls-I won't give out their account name. I do not endorse or enclose harassment of any kind. I repeat! Do NOT harass them. None of that! Don't perpetuate the cycle of violence.**

 **Let's all be kind to one another, eh?**

 **On the other hand, I've also made peace with a few of my detractors. That's good.**

 **To Someone*that's their actual tag*all is forgiven.**

 **Now, then, I LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!**

 **REVIEWS FEED MY ETERNAL ENGINE OF CREATION!** **Of course, you don't have to. They simply** **feed and sustain my humble existence.**

 **Now onto your questions!**

 **Q: How in the HELL are you updating daily like this?!**

 **A: I may have sold my soul. Kidding, I'm kidding! I've actually cloned myself~!**

 **Q: Is every "Unlikely" story connected?**

 **A: Yup.**

 **A: Who is the "Prime" Naruto? Where did this all start?**

 **SPOILER Berserker is Prime!Naruto once the class shackles finally come off. This all started with him, and ends with him. SPEAKING of which, I am working on that chapter. I've had to scrap and rewrite it at least three times now, because those chapters are MONSTERS to write, not to mention the next chapter has events, deaths, and a large cast to work with. Oh, dear. Did I say deaths?**

 **WHY, I BELIEVE I DID.**

 **Q: How does Medusa know Naruto?**

 **A: That ones simple. Medusa REMEMBERS Naruto from other incarnations. We deal with her Gorgon self in Saber, her Rider form in Caster, and-eventually-her ADULT Lancer form in another story that I ain't gonna name. Her little Lancer form is a direct reflection of all of them, memories mashed down into a singular class container.**

 **Now then, off we go!**

 **Obvious quote is obvious~!**

 **So suspend your disbelief, and get ready~!**

 **As ever, I own no quotes or references! None at all!**

 _"I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with me."_

 _~An Unlikely Assassin._

 **A Most Unlikely Rampage**

 _"How did you know my weakness?!"_

Seriously? Just like that? He hadn't even been trying!

...I didn't." Naruto found himself confessing as his prey writhed helplessly beneath him. "It was just a lucky guess."

"W-Well!" Lancer sputtered, pale cheeks turning rosy as he continued his ministrations. "That doesn't change the fact that you-Mmm!-did it anyway!"

Naruto was absolutely done with today. Utterly, wholeheartedly done. Not only had his plan to taunt a gang of Servants gone awry-and wasn't that unwise to begin with?-but he'd nearly died twice. Throw in a swirl of mad memories that he was fairly certain weren't his, and he was about ready to just slip back into astral form and call it night. Of course, it didn't help that one such Servant was currently curled up in his lap, legs swaying over the side. This looked wrong. Terribly, horribly wrong. If anyone saw him like this they'd never let him live it down. As things stood he already wanted to bolt!

Indeed, little Medusa all but purred as he rain his fingers through the now-loose curtain of her hair, firmly yet gently stroking the stress from her scalp.

In the distance he could hear the other Servants going at it; Berserker had done something to gain Archer's attention, which meant Gilgamesh was now laying into him like now tomorrow. Rider and Saber-who would have thought the great King Arthur was a girl?-had struck up a conflict of their own, and Caster was likely down for the rest of the night, if not out for the count entirely. A grievous wound like that would likely force the sneaky witch to remain immaterial for quite some time, if not a week.

Which left the two of them here.

Hiding like cowards in the mist behind a fallen crane.

"As fascinating as this is," Naruto sighed, "It feels really awkward."

Lancer hummed as he patted her head, but those solemn eyes never wavered. "You don't remember me, do you, Assassin?"

Naruto's jaw clicked shut as another phantom pained stabbed at the back of his head. "No. Have we met before?"

The little Lancer considered him for a moment before her tiny shoulders drooped.

"Not...exactly. You're weaker than the Naruto's I knew. Wait, wait, wait! I didn't mean it like that!" At his thunderous expression the little Lancer flailed in his lap and held up her hands in her haste to explain. "The best way to describe it would be that I met an incarnation of you." when he didn't attack she hastened to explain. "We've met multiple times, you and I." her palms fell, balling up in her lap. First when I was Rider and you, an unorthodox Caster. Then again as an adult Lancer when _you_ were Rider. Once more as Avenger and Saber. And finally...here."

"Right then," Naruto groaned, palming his face. "You lost me at Saber. I never used a sword in my lifetime. Ever."

Her nose wrinkled. _"You_ didn't, Assassin, but in another world, another _you_ did. Its not that hard to explain."

"Yes, it is!" he gave her hair a tug, eliciting a hiss from the petite warrior.

"Don't you understand multiverse theory, you dolt?!" Twin fingers snapped up to flick his forehead. "This is merely our most recent meeting! I suspect it will not be the last."

When he didn't interrupt her, she bulled onward.

"No, the last time we met you wielded a sword and I was...bigger." her head tilted, eyes squinting as she tried and failed to recall something. "I still can't remember how that war ended, for the life of me, but there you are. You left quite the impression on me. I shouldn't have remember you at all. But somehow those memories were carved into my soul." Her hand rose, cupping his cheek. "You really do have it rough, don't you? You're afraid; you can't remember because you don't want to; because you're afraid the memories might crush you."

"Wait, are you saying you met me three times already?"

Her head bobbed. "Indeed. Each was quite the memorable experience."

A blond brow rose. Was that the ghost of a smile just now? And did he glimpse _**scales**_ on her arm?

"Just how big were you the last time?" he croaked. "Are we talking inches, feet, meters, what? Give me a broad explanation."

The smallest smirk plucked at the corner of her mouth. "MUCH bigger. If this war continues as it has, I might be able to assume that form again."

They dithered in silence a moment more, neither willing to speak, and so the pall remained unbroken. Were it not for the battle cries and the sounds of Gilgamesh's neverending supply of Noble Phantasms detonating one after the other, one might have called this moment peaceful. It didn't last of course. This was war. Such a thing could never last.

Sure enough, just as he was about to speak again, Lancer looked up.

"...it seems my Master is calling for me."

Naruto heaved a sigh. "I don't suppose you could tell him to fuck off?"

The ghost of a grin returned. "Not if I want to stay alive in this incarnation, no."

Naruto stifled a sigh as he stood. "Right, have to keep up appearances and whatnot. So, what are you-OW!"

Blue eyes narrowed as a her scythe flicked out; not a moment later a pair of thin cuts etched itself into his cheek. They didn't particularly hurt, but it did sting. He was just about to ask what the devil she was up to when she grabbed one of his knives and raked it across her right arm. The yelp she gave was entirely too painful to be fake. When he tried to reach for her wound, she slapped his hand away.

"Sorry." Medusa groaned, sliding off his lap. "Kayneth's a suspicious bastard. Had to make it believable."

Then, abruptly, she paused. "Although, while I'm here...I think I'll stake my claim anyway."

Before he could think to ask what she was planning-much less stop her-she darted in and kissed his cheek. She lingered a moment more, forehead pressed to his, hands holding his face. A strand of pale violet hair tickled his face and the whiskered warrior found himself stubbornly holding back a sneeze as Medusa's nose brushed against his.

"Erm...what are you doing?"

"Because I haven't yet told you in this lifetime," the small Lancer began sweetly, "Allow me to repeat the words you once told me." she hummed, gaze drifting shut for the merest moments. "Your legend doesn't define who you are, nor who you will be. You do. Your life has meaning, Naruto." She kissed him again, lips light against his forehead. "Because you saved me. You showed Mercy. You Acted." she looked at him tearfully. "You reached out for me in the darkness when no one else would. And for that, I fell in love you. In every life we meet, I will _still_ love you, no matter what happens."

Aw, how cute. He was actually blushing.

At this angle Medusa could see his expression, see the way in which his words resonated with him, but Medusa-small or not-wasn't finished. Now was the time to drive her point home. He _needed_ to believe her, _needed_ to be prepared for the worst possible outcome of this war, for the threat that was coming. And he wouldn't believe anything less than the truth.

So she kissed him again, mouth full on his, and gave him as much of herself as she could.

Her world turned grey, and she stumbled, but it was enough.

"What did you do?"

"I gave you a parting gift," came the parting reply. "Take my energy and finish what you started. Oh, and _do_ come see me again if I ever manage to get out of this class container and back into a proper adult form." Her lips brushed the outer lobe of his right ear and gave him a hard nip, imparting one last mark upon him before she retreated. "Who knows? If I do...

And quite suddenly, he found himself flooded with energy.

 _...I'll rock your world."_

Then she was gone, vanishing into the mist.

Naruto swayed for a moment.

His body thrummed with barely contained mana; energy boiling at the seams of his body and threatening to burst forth at any moment. No, more than that. He was glowing. He couldn't see the full extent of whatever she had done to him, but he felt it all the same. He felt immortal. Invincible. It wouldn't last, of course. He could already feel himself burning through it, all the aches and pains of battle fading away, replaced by a supernatural calm he hadn't known for years.

And he smiled.

His body burned, _blurred_ , barreled forward.

"ALRIGHT! I'm fired up! Where the hell is Berserker?!"

Needless to say, Lancelot was not prepared for what came next.

Lets take a moment to check in on our favorite screaming madman, shall we?

* * *

 _(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

Where had his prey gone?

Try as he might, Lancelot couldn't find Assassin. That one annoyed him. That one had _hurt_ him.

Saber and Rider were engaged in a running battle of sorts with Archer now that she's been distracted, and Caster was grievously wounded.

So.

Where.

Was. He?!

Contrary to popular belief, Lancelot wasn't as mad as he let on. So long as **-ArThUrArThUrArThUr-** was left out of the equation, he could fight quite well. Better than most, in fact. His instincts were unparalleled in combat, so wholly engraved into his body that he wouldn't lose them even as a Berserker. Anything he touched became his Noble Phantasm. He was destruction incarnate. Alone, he could tear down nearly any obstacle, almost any adversary, so long as he had the energy to do so.

A knife slammed into the dock at his feet, drawing a confused growl from the black knight.

So, Assassin had come out to play again, had he?

What point was there in announcing his-

And then it exploded.

FWOOM!

The ensuing explosion rippled Lancelot from his feet and hurled him against a shipping container, momentarily wedging him against the steel. That blood-red visor snapped up as another hail of knives descended upon his head, only to be batted away as a he ripped a sheaf of metal free from his prison and flung it at them. Sure enough the knives exploded, sending a wave of roiling fire howling over his position. They felt wrong somehow; not only was the backlash larger and stronger than it should have been, but it _hurt._ He _felt_ it. The heat _burned_ him.

Where was Assassin getting this strength?

Then the enemy in question was before him, bolting through the smoke like the grim reaper himself with knives in hand. A tiny part of Lancelot-the once noble knight that still clung to some semblance of sanity-applauded his courage if nothing else. Not so his tactics. Why was he facing him directly? Even were he empowered by a Command Spell he stood no chance whatsoever in a full frontal assault. Lancelot knew this. He might land the odd blow, hurt him perhaps, but he couldn't last. Their last clash had already proven this. Assassin was rushing to his death

Contemptuously, he ripped a lamp-post free and scythed it into the blond's body.

Instead his weapon found itself wedged in a hollow log.

 **...grrr?"**

"You're about to have a bad time, pal."

An explosive note slapped against his armor, buckling it in another explosion.

Lancelot howled and chambered a kick into the smoke. A startle grunt greeted him, but Assassin didn't fall.

"Why, you ask?" Doubled over, the battered blond fell into a pointed crouch. "Simple. Because I'm filled with Determination."

And then there was only the blur of combat.

Berserker struck and Assassin bent at the waist, his back nearly parallel to the ground. From that angle he somehow managed to snap a fist into his face. Lancelot saw rather than felt the impression against his helm, but he was too busy attacking, even as his prey flowed back and out of reach. Even as he fell the blond tumbled into a handstand and crashed a knee into the back of the black knight's head. Armor yielded once more with an outraged screech, but even that paled in comparison to Lancelot's roar.

 **"RAAAARGH!"**

When he lopped a shipping container at Assassin the blond bounded over it and went aerial on him, hammering half a dozen kicks through his guard to dent the armor without and the flesh within. Instinct compelled the mad knight to shield his face with one arm even as he fought back with the other, raking a clawed gauntlet across the blond's chest. Infuriatingly he turned to smoke. A pair of hands burst fro the docks and locked their way around his ankles, hauling the enraged warrior into the ground.

Something had changed.

Assassin wasn't fighting for himself now, wasn't fighting just to survive. He fought for someone else-no. More than that. It was as he'd said. He was filled with Determination. Whatever that was. No. It made no difference in the end. He would die. He would die. Yes, he would die die **diediediedieDIE!**

Writhing his way free, Berserker cast his gaze this way and that, seeking his tormentor anew.

Sure enough he found him waiting not a yard away, hands splayed against the ground, palms splayed intently.

He didn't attack. Nor did he charge. He just...crouched their. Menacingly. No matter. Lancelot stormed forward, ripping his weapon free.

Assassin couldn't hide behind his tricks forever, Lancelot knew this in his rotten heart; sooner or later this slippery blond would make a mistake. He'd slip up somewhere. Make a mistake. That was all it would take. Once his hands found his throat it would be over. And then he would die. Just as the others would die. All enemies would die.

And then his world went black.

There was no word.

No warning.

Just a sudden and abrupt darkening of Lancelot's surroundings all at once, a tidal wave of shadow stemming from Assassin to devour them both whole. Despite his own raging Madness Enhancement, the black knight held his position and ceased his advance. Something told him it would unwise to take another step. Sure enough, a pair of kunai skittered across his helmet only to vanish a heartbeat later. Then another. A third. A fourth. Yet a fifth. Tiny scratches unable to penetrate his armor, yet filling him with dread all the same.

"How do you like this world of mine?"

The voice came from everywhere; earth, void and air.

"My Noble Phantasm isn't much to look at now, is it? No, not at all."

Shadows ebbed and flowed around him, yet he could see naught but an arms length before his face. No matter where he looked-where he turned his gaze-all that remained was darkness.

"Its ugly. Unsightly. But it is my true form." Something slammed into Lancelot's back at blistering speed, throwing him off balance. "A corrupted legend, a world of lies and falsehoods perpetuated by rumors and slander. I don't like using it; because it renders me just as blind as my opponent. Reality is warped here. Truth is twisted here.

Enough.

With no weapon in sigh, he would have to reach for his true sword, Arondight-

It never came.

Rather than manifest in his grasp as it always did, Lancelot found himself clutching at empty air as the light sputtered and died in his palms.

"I don't think you understand what's going on." Once more, Assassin's voice admonished him when his beloved weapon failed to appear. "This is my world. "I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with me!"

At long last Berserker glimpsed a brief glimmer of light in the dark, heard the clatter of a thousand knives being flung in a thousand directions. A cut opened against his armor and he spun, striking wildly into the black in all of his madness and power. Another tear opened across his back and he cried out, slashing wildly out to no avail. Dark laughter rippled out after him, fading away into murky silence. Wounds stinging, chest heaving, he searched for the source of it, to no avail. There was only wretched silence.

And in that silence, Lancelot heard a sound.

It began as a sursurus of whispers, a tiny whine of wind. Softly at first, but with every growing wrath. He couldn't sense it. Couldn't see it. Yet his instincts told him that something was undoubtedly there. His sixth sense shrieked a warning, howling at him to move, but with his eyes clouded he knew not which way to dodge. Lancelot could only gather himself into a crouch, ready to leap at the slightest provocation. At the first sign of any danger he would leap, roll, tumble, do whatever it took to dodge. He would not fall. Not here.

As if to make all his efforts, Assassin's voice rose from the black. "This hand of mine glows with an awesome power!"

And so he spoke.

Still the shriek rose higher still.

"Its burning grip tells me to defeat you!"

Where was it coming from?! Where? **WHERE?!**

"Take this! My love, my anger, and all of my sorrow!"

DODGE!

Lancelot felt the barest breeze against his blackened back and his very soul shouted at him; he leaped upward without a second thought. Something detonated explosively beneath him but he didn't care. He'd managed to evade certain death, to escape what would've been a horrible fate. Despite his insanity, Berserker released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He was safe. Even with his vision stolen away by this strange Noble Phantasm, he could still think. Still feel. Still hear. Compared to that, this temporary blindness was naught but a trifle.

Or so he thought.

Even as he sailed upward, the veil fell away.

Too late, he saw the world again, saw the light above.

Too late, the Berserker realized the fate about to befall him.

Too late. Always too late. Just as he'd been in his living life. Too late.

"RASENSHURIKEN!"

How had he gotten above him?!

In a last desperate act, Lancelot flung up an arm, trying to grab the attack and turn it away. Assassin's Noble Phantasm sheared that limb-armor and all-off at the elbow. Behind his blazing red visor, the mad knight's eyes bulged in pain, comprehension, and finally, understanding. He'd been outplayed. Here in his final moments, as the attack bore through what was left of his arm and slammed into his chest he did not feel pain, or madness or even the biting realization that he'd failed. He experienced only the sweet, blessed release of sanity.

At last...

He was free again.

And his world turned to light.

 **A/N: Yes, that was a reference.**

 **Kudos to you if you recognize it, folks.**

 **As ever, I own absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.**

 **Berserkerlot IS dead.**

 **No surprises, no coming back from the brink.**

 **HE DEAD! HE GONE! HE AIN'T COMING BAAAAAAAACK!**

 **It pains me to do that to our boy, but it was necessary for the overarching plot of this story. He was always going to die in this chapter, but in his last moments he found a tiny grasp of sanity. We'll see him again in another story, but I won't say which.**

 **Now I'm hobbling off to work, and I look forward to reading your reviews~!**

 **Reviews are fuel. Without them I'll just go back into hibernation.**

 **I'm always willing to listen to what you have to say.**

 **Sooooo in the Immortal Words Of Atlas...**

 **...Revieeeeew, Would You Kindly?**

 **It would mend help my heart.**

 **And enjoy the preeeeviews!**

 **The endgame is coming.**

 **Hope you're ready.**

 **Also, a homage.**

 **(Previews)**

 _All eyes turned toward him._ _He'd tapped himself out dealing with Berserker; even with Lancer's energy coursing through his veins he wasn't willing to face Rider and Saber together. Certainly not at once!_

 _"Oi, your majesty! Get me out of this and I'll give you a treasure you've never seen before!" Gilgamesh twitched. Gotcha._

 _"W-Well, I suppose it cannot be helped." she muttered, recovering in an instant. "Yes!" her voice boomed, pride mollified by what she-falsely-believed to be a show of weakness. "It cannot be helped, Assassin! You're just not cut out for a battle like this! Allow me to help you!"_

 _"Aaaand she's easily manipulated. Good to know."_

 _In the ensuing chaos, he vaulted away._

* * *

 _"One Servant dead already? Impressive. Did they suffer?"_

 _"No. I killed them as quickly as I could."_

 _...well, that's good, I suppose."_

 _Assassin quirked a brow._

 _"Why, Kirei~! I'm finally start to get through to you."_

 _The priest absently flicked a black key at his Servant. "Shut up."_

 _"Aha!" Naruto crowed. "I knew it! You do care! I'm finally getting through to you!"_

 _"What is this, a meeting of the kings or something?"_

 _Rider grinned. "Indeed! Join us, Assassin! We've save a place for you."_

 _The whiskered warrior blew out a breath. "I don't have a say in this do I-GACK?!"_

 _His sputtering protests died a quick death as Gilgamesh opened a portal beneath him and dropped him next to her._

* * *

 _Caster cackled._

 _"Doesn't it hurt, Naruto?! Isn't this pain lovely?!"_

 _"You're insane!"_

* * *

 _"Save me!"_

* * *

 _"Tell me...what happens when you wound a noble soul? What happens when you force someone to face their faults and fears? Oh, you may have saved some, but not all. You can never save ALL of them. Hypocrite. For a man who seems to treasure life, you didn't hesitate to cut Berserker down, did you? What happened to kindness? Where did your mercy go then, hmm?"_

 _"This is a war. I accepted that we Servants were going to die."_

 _"Ah! But did she know that? She didn't did she?"_

 _Naruto swore softly. "What did you do?"_

 _The shadow of the Grail cackled as it dissolved. "Did you think I would let you have a happy ending so easily? No, **yOu'RegOiNgToWoRkfOryOuRtRuEeNdInG**."_

 **Teasers are teasers!**

 ** _R &R~!_**


End file.
